This is a subject that has been on my mind a lot recently. It is a more common thing than most people know about and that is ABUSE TO THE ELDERLY. Recently Mickey Rooney testified before a congressional committee on how the elderly are abused with no one to really listen to them or worse, believe them.
It seems society can fathom the abuse of children and women and condemn the abusers but when it comes to the elderly, they turn a blind eye. And it is more prevalent than what most people think. I doubt there are any real numbers or facts since so many abuse cases are never reported.
I recently read an article by Mary Sanchez of the Kansas City Star which pretty much describes the situation that many families face today. And it will get worse as the older generation increases.
Abuse comes in many forms. There is verbal abuse where the victim is verbally condemned, admonished and scolded. There is the physical abuse where they are physically assaulted and often injured. And then there is the mental abuse. This is probably one of the hardest to detect but is when the elder person has been mentally challenged by a spouse, child or caregiver into thinking they have done wrong and become confused, often withdrawing into their safe world of memories so they don't have to face the accusations. Of course, some do have health related issues with the mental development, but when a person who has been living a normal lifestyle, even if they are limited on movement but still active enough to converse or participate in activities suddenly change to be withdrawn and non communicative or feel they are useless and give up on all activity, then something has changed their life.
I've seen this abuse first hand and I can tell you that it is not only harmful to the elder person involved, but to all the family and friends of that individual. When the abuser has finally cajoled and manipulated the elder person into thinking that they are the only person who cares for them or will take care of them and begins to slowly dismantle the life the elder person has known, it is abusive.
The abuser is actually taking over that person's life, telling them what they want them to hear, convincing them that only they are the one who cares and wants what is best and that everyone else, including family members are out to get that elderly person and hurt them in some way.
Hard to believe, isn't it? But it is true. I've watched as a family member went from what we all thought was concern and in agreement with a treatment for our mother. She had agreed it was time to give up her living on her own lifestyle and go to a nursing home where she would have the supervision and care that was required. It was her decision and we made sure it was done. Being frail at the age of almost 91 didn't help at times as she was having to give up everything she had as well as her home but she still had the mental faculty to know it was what she needed to do. With the family scattered, many miles away, it wasn't always possible for someone to come to her aid immediately and our concern was her health and safety, not so much as the idea of sticking her in a nursing home and just forgetting about her.
She adjusted very quickly to the new lifestyle and was participating in the activities of the home, visiting with other residents and seemed to be as happy as she could be living in a cramped corner sharing a room but she said she knew it was for the best and that she felt safe there.
She had some health issues that were being examined by the doctors and therapists but then suddenly a family member who had not been present at the time of her admittance to the home began "stirring the pot" as they say by suggesting that maybe she didn't need to be there and that there were family members who were trying to steal her money and possessions and that she knew of a place she could go and get proper treatment and be back on her own in no time. The constant badgering caused my mother to withdraw, to not communicate and to find fault, even to the point of lying to the other family members as well as to the staff of the nursing home.
After a phone call to her doctor with a lie that she was being removed to go to another family member's home, he released her to the custody of her youngest daughter. There was a 7 hour car ride from where she was to her final destination, without any breaks or rest periods, even eating fast food along the way.
Upon reaching her destination, she was immediately examined, tested and evaluated. It came as a complete shock when the word came that they had discovered lesions or bumps on the brain and that she had brain cancer and would start radiation therapy immediately. That there was no cure and no hope but that she would have the treatment anyway. No consultation, no information given, just the say so of the younger daughter who was taking over our mother's life completely.
The abuse extended from our mother to the rest of the family with accusations from the younger member without any validation or checking for facts. In her mind, she had already made herself Judge, Jury and as it turned out Executioner for our mother. Stating facts that she did not back up, led to what some of the family think might have been misdiagnosis but it is going to be hard to prove that now.
We have watched as a sharp elderly woman who could converse and enjoy life in a limited way went from being a laughing loving mother to one who does not recognize us most of the time when we call, will not converse intelligently with us and continues to criticize and condemn for things she has been told and has come to believe as the truth. She has been brain washed from the manipulator that she is often confused but continues to believe the manipulator because she had promised her a better life and continues to do so.
The sad part is that her life is not better, it is worse. Her mind has been destroyed by the radiation treatments and some of the family believe that the transporting may have caused strokes which were never mentioned because the "C" word was constantly being thrown into the mix.
Why would someone want to put a loved one through a torturous treatment when they knew there was no hope, no cure and that it would more than likely speed up the end of life and make it a time of suffering and pain? We have searched and can find no answers except that the member who has decided to be in control has some need of self gratification that she has done miraculous things for our mother and that it is her that has been instrumental in her condition now. Does she not see that this 91 year old woman had deteriorated within less than a month after she took over her care? Does she not see that a woman who could sit on her own and dress herself with some assistance but now is a vegetable unable to do anything for herself? What is her purpose? Why would she want to see someone suffering, someone she is supposed to love and care for? And why does she think that she is the only one and that the rest of the family has no compassion or feelings?
So the abuse has crossed the line. She not only has abused the elder person, she has taken it the next step and abusing the family members. She is trying to condone her own actions by blaming the rest of the family for things that never happened. As the family has watched, she went from what would be a normal person concerned about a parent to a rant raving, imaginative, lying individual who will not face the truth. Her whole aim seems to be how much pain she can inflict on the elderly person she has taken over the life of as well as other family members with cruel accusations, words and threats, while at the same time commending herself for the good she has done.
That is the picture of an abuser.
Some may ask why the rest of the family didn't stop this abuse. Good question but we didn't have the legal options. At the time our mother left the nursing home, she was still in charge of her faculties and advised the family this was what she wanted and there was nothing we could do to stop her. Our hands were tied and only after the treatments she received were we notified of what was going on. Being in another state made it even more difficult to find out any information. We had no physical proof, only what we were being told and if she needed it, then there wasn't anything we could do. At one time I did have Power of Attorney which was required for her admittance to the nursing home but it was revoked by her and nothing I could do to prevent it, even though I knew she had been coerced into revoking it. She insisted it was what she wanted so I had no legal recourse because at that time she was in full charge of her mental capacity. Her medical records reflect that, but one month later, she is unresponsive, uncommunicative, does not recognize family members, is confused on where she is and keeps repeating what she has been told over and over.
It is hard to watch a love one as they near the end of life but when it is because they were mistreated, it makes it even harder and much more painful. And the pain of feeling helpless and not being able to stop it or help adds to this pain.
I ask that anyone who reads this will stop and look around. There is abuse going on and sometimes it is so subtle that it isn't noticed until it is too late. And the abusers know how to manipulate and control the person they are abusing and can put on an act that they are the caring and feeling person. They can convince an outsider that they are doing what is right and that only they are righteous and that everyone else is wrong and and evil. There are two faces of an abuser and sometimes it is too late before anyone sees the evil side.
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