It was a year ago today that I had a message on my answering machine that my mother had passed away. I was expecting it but at the same time, we are never ready to let someone we love go. It had just been over a year that I had lost my husband and now I had lost my other best friend, my mother. The grief I felt was deep but at the same time I felt some relief knowing she was no longer in pain or discomfort. Her last few weeks had been horrible for her. She had been taken from a nice caring place and subjected to a long ride which resulted in a stroke. Then based upon false information, she was put through tests and treatments that were unnecessary and only tormented and tortured her.
I think that is what hurt the worst. My brother and I had a long talk with her before we took her to the care home and we had a long talk with her afterwards and she was accepting her life change and settling in. But a family member could not accept it and through lies and deceit convinced her to leave. The act of one unselfish and jealous person would hasten my mother's death. It was so inconceivable to my brother and I that anyone could treat another human being the way my mother was treated. And the fact, that we were cut off with communicating with her until it was near the end and she was in such a state that she didn't recognize our voices or heard what we said hurt both of us deeply.
As we both repeated how much we loved her and wished her the best, she was beyond comprehension. In one short month, she had been turned from a social human being into one who was completely helpless. We stood by and could do nothing but pray that she would find peace and her suffering would end.
It is a memory that I wish I could put away but I can't. I feel as if I never really got to say good bye to her. But I do know this and no one could ever change her mind. My mother loved her children and even though she might not have been able to communicate with us, I'm sure she knew my brother and I loved her and were concerned for her regardless what she was being told or how she was being treated.
In this past year, I don't know how many times I've gone to the phone to call her to tell her about something. I called her every Sunday for years and we would talk anywhere from an hour to three hours. We talked about what we were doing or what the kids and grandkids were doing. We talked about politics sometimes, but we each knew our limit but we still enjoyed a good conversation every now and then but most of all we did a lot of laughing. Sometimes she would be in a reflective mood and tell me about growing up or the early years when my brother and I were small or something about the family. I relish those conversations that we had and miss them so much.
It is hard to believe that it has been over a year since I last heard her voice. But there are times when I think I hear her and I can see her in my mind, laughing and giving us that all knowing sly smile she often flashed at us. She was a strong woman who chose to live on her own until almost the very end and she only gave up when her eyesight had failed her to the point she was almost completely blind. She managed very well and now that I am on my own, I remember some of the things she told me which have helped me overcome some of the difficulties I've faced. She always said to stop and think and not just jump at the first thing that came along and to take each day as it came because there was no way to go back to do over the previous day and we don't know what lay ahead of us. She believed in God and in heaven and I know she is there and she always told me as well as my brother and her younger child that we should live a good but righteous life. I think that is why my faith is so strong. She was a good teacher and a good example.
So Mom, if you are looking down on me, I hope I am doing everything you taught me and making you proud. I know that you are with Dad and Harold (Danny) and I miss you all so much but I hope you are looking down on me and that I am making you all proud. And the memories of our good times will always be with me. I love you and I miss you.
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