HURT

When we are small and we get a hurt, our mother is always there to kiss it to make it better, as we grow older, she is there with comforting words to get us through our problems and even as we mature and have families of our own the mother is always there for support and gives advice when asked.

A mother is one of the most important people in our lives.  She carried us inside her for 9 months and gave us life and then she nurtured us as we grew.  She was our care taker, our teacher, our nurse, our chauffeur, our confident but most of all she was a presence in our lives.

Some have lost their mothers to illness and others have lost them because of circumstances they couldn't be there for them.  But those who have lost their mothers because of favoritism to another sibling is a very hurtful loss.

I've always been fairly close to my mother, maybe not as close as I would have liked to have been but as close as a mother and daughter should be.  She was there when I needed advice and she was supportive but there was also a wall between us that just didn't get knocked down all the way and often times it caused problems with our relationship.

Being the oldest, I was designated with a few more chores, which is normal for most families.  The oldest usually does help out more and especially with the younger siblings.  My brother is almost three years younger than me and we grew up in a small farming community with no real close neighbors that had children so we learned to play together as we only had each other most of the time.  We had our friends from school and on weekends would see our cousins but most of the time it was just him and me.

But when I was almost fourteen and he was almost eleven, our parents had another child.  Babies have a natural draw for anyone and our little sister stole our hearts.   And she adored her big brother and big sister.  That is until I was married and moved away and then started my own family, my brother had gone into the service and then had his own life.  Since she was in her teens and primarily an "only child" now left at home, my parents gave in to her demands as they didn't want the confrontation from her temper tantrums.

Through the years, we all suffered from her little episodes of how badly she had it growing up and that she wasn't loved or treated right and most of the time we ignored her or attempted to tell her it wasn't all that bad and that we had problems as we grew up too.

But now, we are all older mature adults, my brother and I in our mid to late 60's while our younger sister is in her mid 50's.  My brother and I are constantly being told not to tell our younger sister things as she would only stew and worry.  However, I think most of the stewing and worrying is about herself and how she is going to come out on top of things and not really the concern about a family member.  She goes through the motions but then she shows what she really wants and she will continue until she gets it.  She doesn't care who gets hurt or how they get hurt as long as she is able to get what she wants when she wants it.  She threatens, she lies, she gets vindictive until everyone gives in to her.

Recently my mother who just turned 91 decided it was time to go into a nursing home.  She called and told me what she wanted to do and told me I was not to tell my younger sister about any of it.  She also told me that she wanted me to take care of her affairs as she knew I would do what needed to be done and that she could trust me.  I agreed to do it for her as my main concern was to see to it that she was in a safe environment with the help she needed.  I am responsible enough to know that there are certain things that have to be done and I was trying to get this all done for her even though we are almost 600 miles away, I was getting it under control.

Then little sister decides that she wants control of the finances.  To heck with the paperwork and our mother's care, she only wants the financial aspect and went so far as to threaten me with criminal action.  I was given power of attorney by my mother and had spoken to the nursing home and knew what needed to be done.  But little sister couldn't let it go.  She was not in charge and she did not have control and began to tell my mother lies and by the time she had finished, she had her in a confused state and she had no idea of what was going on. 

When I spoke to her, she began asking questions which I answered and advised that there was no criminal action going on but that I was in no position to hire an attorney to prove my innocence and couldn't she just tell my sister it was her wishes and to drop it.  She said she tried but that my sister insisted I had done a wrong.  Still not sure what it is but she seems to think so anyway.

But the real hurt came when my mother told me that I was to give up everything to my sister and that if she messed it up, it wouldn't be my problem and that I wouldn't be her problem any more.  She never was a problem to me and never would be but due to my sister's actions, she has estranged our family so that my brother and I feel we have been shunned by our mother after we were the ones who came to her rescue when she called and now she is condemning us for that action.

They  talk about strangers abusing and taking advantage of the elderly and the weak but when it is a family member, it is an unspeakable crime.  And in this case, a very disheartening and hurtful one since it has severed relations with my mother for my brother and myself due to our younger sister's temper tantrum and her need to get a hold of our mother's finances.  Be damned what our mother wanted or said, be damned if she is taken care of or not, as long as she has the money in her hand, then she is one happy woman.

So after almost 68 years I feel I have lost my mother, even though she is still living, she is not there for me and never will be from now on.  It does hurt and how a mother can choose one sibling over another, I do not know.  How a mother can allow one sibling to intimidate her as well as the rest of the family, I do not know but it has happened and nothing I can do about it.

The best thing of all of this is the closeness that has brought my family together.  My daughters and my grandchildren are here for me and supporting me and letting me know that I am loved and am not alone.  I feel I have been a good mother for my children to understand that I love them each individually but also together as a family.  I do not have favorites nor will I have favorites.   I love my two daughters equally as I love my four grandchildren equally.  I would never pit one against the other and even allow it to be done and for that reason, my children respect and honor me as I respect and honor them.

My brother and I still have a relationship and we both feel that we are the survivors now and will only have each other and our families and he is as hurt as I am.  But when greed takes over the heart, love and caring goes away and that is exactly what has happened in my family.   It is broken and can never be repaired.