A Year Ago Today

It doesn't seem like it was a year ago today that my beloved husband of over 48 years passed away.  It was sudden and yet we knew his time was short but then we are never prepared to lose a loved one at any time.  His illness was to much and he grew weaker each day as the treatments battled the cancer cells but were not enough to fight them all and in the end they won the battle which was hard fought.
He went peacefully in his sleep but I feel the loss more deeply as I never got to say good bye.  I was close, just in the other room.  The days following that awful night were a daze for me.  I went through all the motions, spoke with family and friends and remembered but it was if I was somewhere else, that it wasn't real and I would either wake up from a bad dream or would go home to find him still there.
I'm not sure when that feeling went away and think it must have been gradual as I moved from a sense of the unreal to reality again.  It may have been the night that I knew I was having a heart attack and my blood pressure went sky high.  My daughter rushed me to the emergency room and after being checked out, they said it was the stress and anxiety.  It was a month to the day that I relived that day and lost myself in my own misery.  With a change in medication for my blood pressure and meds to help bring it down and calm me at the same time, I began to notice a change.  I was feeling again.  I realized the tears had been shed that night but then they were dry and now they fall freely when I think about him or a memory arises that brings them.
We had so many plans for the years ahead.  Plans that we would do together, but now those plans are all gone, the dreams of the happy times and celebrations are all put away in the back of my mind and in my heart knowing that we will not be together to make those celebrations we looked forward too.  The biggest was going to be our 50th wedding anniversary which would have occured November 11, 2011 or as we told everyone, 11-11-11.
It is odd at times as I may be going somewhere or doing something and I will look at the clock, almost as if I've been directed to look and the time will be 11:11.  As I sat down to write this, the clock showed 11:11.  I feel during those times that he is with me, guiding me or directing me.  I just wish I could hear his voice one more time or see his face. 
A few weeks ago, I was working at the computer when I smelled a familiar smell.  I got up and walked out into the living room and looked around and then to the dining and kitchen.  I ended up walking from room to room, all the while I could smell that odor, the one that was his.  It was the same as when he was right out of the shower and had shaved.  I have had the experience several times since then and feel he was here with me in some capactiy.  It was during the holidays so it was possible he was letting me know he was here with us.
Tonight, my daughter and I were out to turn on the water to her trailer as she had some frozen pipes the other day and we had the water turned off.  I told her that I knew her dad would be with us and that he would make sure she had no busted pipes and that everything would be all right.  There were no busted pipes and everything was fine except for at the spigot where the y we had put in had cracked.  She put on a sprayer to stop it but it was broken so we used another and I'm sure he was standing there laughing at us for our temporary pipe fitting but at the same time, I think he gave us the idea to use the sprayer to block off that side.
Later she reminded me that it was a year ago that she had got the water hooked up to her trailer in the first place. 
They say time heals the hurt but I'm not sure that is exactly true.  We may go on with our lives and do our daily routines, visit with friends and family but when alone, the thoughts seem to flow back to that time and the times before when he was here and laughed and talked and was a part of my life.  The pain is still there and I think it always will be. 
I know he is at peace and he is in no pain but it doesn't lessen the feeling of losing him.  I miss him so much sometimes that I can do nothing but cry.  The tears are for me, I know, as I feel that I've lost a part of me and I can't ever have it back.  It is then that I feel selfish.
I have made an effort to think of the good times, the memories of the past and share them with my daughters and good friends.  I talk to him every day and ask him to show me the way and help me with my decisions, just as I ask God to help me and guide me.  My husband was the one who was always there for me, always taking care of me, always giving me love and I miss him and I miss all the things we shared together.
I know God has a plan for all of us and I do not question his plan and my husband was a part of his plan and when the time comes I know I will know what it is and I will see him again. 
For now, I will lean on my faith to keep me strong and for God to guide me and help me through the dark hours.
In loving memory of my husband, Harold Daniel Foster, 1940-2010.