In Remembrance

This blog is more for me to write down my thoughts but I welcome anyone who reads them.

Two years ago today, we woke up to a sunny but cool day just as today is.  My husband who was battling Melanoma woke up feeling better than he had for several days.  He had eaten a good meal the night before and had a good night's sleep.  He got up and wanted some toast which I made for him and then he went to lie down.  The chemo treatment was taking all his strength away and the morphine which was helping with the pain was also making him drowsy and listless at times.  He had cut back on a couple of the morphine pills as he said he didn't like feeling like a zombie.

Perhaps it was because he had cut back, that he seemed more awake and cognizant of what was going on that day.  

Melanie had moved her trailer in a few weeks before but due to the holidays and weather, they hadn't put in the water lines until then.  A friend of ours and Zach and Melanie were doing the work, digging a trench to lay the line from a spigot we had so a new spigot could be installed closer to the trailer.  

He wanted to go out there to see how things were going but was so weak that he couldn't but we were keeping him informed and as lunch time came around, he asked if we had any leftovers from the night before.  He had eaten a decent meal which was unusual as he said food didn't have much taste or it would upset his stomach but he ate a good helping of a pasta dish and green beans.  So I fixed him some leftovers and he came to the table to eat.  Still feeling weak but he said maybe if he got up and moved around, he might feel better.  He ate it without any problem and went back to lie down.

Within an hour, he was sick.  Everything he had eaten came up and he was exhausted from the heaving.  In his weakened condition, the slightest exertion wore him out.  He laid back on the bed and complained that his head hurt.  I got him a cold cloth and put a pan near the bed so he wouldn't have to get up again.  He had one more seizure of dry heaves and laid back down saying his head was hurting.  I knew it was from the exhaustion of vomiting but he was getting agitated.

Melanie had gone to Muskogee to get some needed parts they had to have for the new spigot and connection to the trailer.  Zach came in to say he was going home and would be back later.  He talked to his Pappa and left.

Harold continually felt worse but I was able to get him calmed down enough to try to rest.  I remember telling him, "Why don't you try to get some sleep?"  I got him another cold cloth and a glass of water of which he only took a sip.  He said he was cold so I pulled the covers up over him and he closed his eyes.

I went back to the room where we had my computer set up and I was close enough that I could hear him or just look around the corner to see him.  In fact, I did go over to him a couple of times to check on him and he was sleeping.

Melanie got back around 4 PM and came in as I had called her to let her know that he had been asking to go to the hospital.  Most of it was because he had been so ill and was afraid.  She came in to check on us and to see how he was doing.  We both stood at the door to the bedroom and could see him sleeping and heard him snoring quietly so we decided not to bother him as we knew it would be better for him to get some rest.

Around 5:30 I heard a noise and went to check on him, thinking he had woke up and needed something.  But he was still asleep so I thought he must have snored loudly or even maybe coughed a bit.  I remember the time as the local news was just going off and national news was coming on.  I knew I would have to wake him at 6 PM to give him his medicine.

At 6:00 I went in to wake him to give him his medicine and to see how he was feeling.  I couldn't get a response.  I called Melanie who came running in and then as I was on the phone calling for an ambulance, she was going next door to get a neighbor who knew CPR.

From then on, things were in a haze.  I remember people coming and going and the paramedics talking to me but it all seemed like a dream.  None of it seemed real and to this day when I remember that night, it is still hazy.  I remember Zach coming back and he couldn't believe that he was gone and to have Melanie and Zach here with me helped as the three of us clung to one another and shared our tears and our thoughts.  But it was a hard night and one in which my grandson had to grow up way to fast.

Calls had to be made to family and friends and our neighbors and friends were here sharing our grief as well.  Just two days before, Harold's friend and old Navy buddy, John, had come to see him and the two talked for several hours.  Harold was in bed and John sat by his bedside.  And later he told me that he was glad he had that chance to just sit and talk with him.

I think the suddenness of his passing so unexpected and so quickly was too much for any of us to comprehend and it was days later when I felt I was coming out of that nightmare of a dream.  And it was a nightmare.

We are never prepared to lose a loved one but when it is so sudden, the tragedy seems to cut deep and is hard to accept or even to let go.

It has been a hard two years for me and I will admit that maybe I should let go but I can't.  We had over 48 years together and had known each other for over 52 years so I lost my life partner, my lover and most of all my best friend.  They say time eases the pain and perhaps it does a little bit but at the same time, there are always little reminders that keep that loved one close to us and wishing he was here to share with us.

I look out over the yard towards the building that was his work shop and in my mind I can see him coming out the door and coming to the house or if I'm outside, I often look that way thinking I heard the sound of a saw or hammering.  There are times when I think he will walk through the door and this has all been one hell of a nightmare and not true.

But he is gone and I take each day as it comes.   He told me once that his only fear was leaving me as he knew I was fragile and he was afraid I couldn't make it by myself.  I teased him and told him, I was a tough old gal and would be fine.  I think that is what keeps me going.  I told him I would be fine and I have tried and I feel he would be proud of me.  And I'm very fortunate to have Melanie and Zach near by.  Melanie has been my rock and I hope I've been hers and Zach feels he has to take care of both of us and bless his heart, he does.

So I am remembering him today but I am remembering all the good times we shared.  The tears have been shed and will probably come again but I know that one day we will be together again.  I didn't tell him good bye, I told him until we meet again.