Fear

I was eleven and lived in a small town in southwest Iowa.  I knew just about everyone in town either as a friend or was related to them in some way so I never had much fear when I had to walk home from school or the library.

This was during the early 1950's when we didn't have computers or cell phones.  I often went to the library to do reference work for my homework so there was nothing unusual about my being at the library late one mid October evening.

My mother always told me to watch the time so that I could leave at dusk and be home before dark but that particular evening, I was engrossed in my studies and the thing is I don't even remember what I was studying at the time.

I just know that I looked out the window and realized it was dark so I put the encyclopedia back in its place and gathered up my notebook.  I told the librarian that I was finished and leaving to go home.  Since she was my mother's cousin she asked if my dad would be picking me up and I told her that I was going to walk home and that my parents knew I would be walking.

In my little town, it wasn't unusual so no one thought of anything causing danger or anyone who might be out there to harm a child. 

I remember it was chilly and I pulled my jacket around me crossing my arms to hold my notebook in front of me.  I looked up the street and decided it looked to dark so headed east towards the Boulevard.  That meant that I would be going two blocks along the north side of the square in front of a couple empty buildings, the fire station and a gas station and the block where the high school sat.

When I reached the corner where I would turn north to walk on the sidewalk along the Boulevard, it would be another six blocks to the corner of my street but there were street lights so I quickened my pace and started out.

I hadn't gone to far when I felt I was being watched.  I turned to look behind me and thought I saw a shadow duck behind a tree but then I didn't see anything.  There was a breeze and the tree limbs swayed causing the light from the street light to dance on the sidewalk and yards.  I could hear the rustling of the leaves as they were blown about and as I continued on, a fear began to form in my stomach.  I quickened my step even more and again I could feel a presence and when I looked, I knew I was right.  There was someone following me.  I was almost at a run, with the fear spreading up into my chest.

My heart was beating so hard and fast that it echoed in my ears and my breathing was labored even though I tried to keep it even.  I kept going, not wanting to stop in case whoever was behind me would catch me.  I would look over my shoulder and once I saw the outline of a man which made my fear heighten even more.  I looked around for a house that I might go to if I needed help but they were dark.  Where was everyone?

I reached the end of the Boulevard and where I would turn to go down my street.  It was two blocks to my house but there were no street lights so I began to run.  I ran as fast as I could on the graveled road hoping my footing would be good and that I wouldn't fall.  I never turned around to see if the figure was still behind me as I ran to the house and ran inside.

Panting, as I was out of breath, my mother asked, "Did you run all the way home?  I thought I told you to start before it got dark."

I was able to catch my breath long enough to say, "Someone was falling me."

My parents looked at one another and my dad asked, "Who was it?"

"I don't know but I saw him.  He followed me up the Boulevard and kept ducking behind a tree but once I saw him."

My dad went out side to look up the street and didn't see anyone until he started to turn to come back to the house and a glimpse of a figure at the corner of our street near the Boulevard caught his attention.  He got into his pickup and started up the street.

I was inside with my mother and younger brother and my mother wondered where he was going.  I think she was concerned now that I wasn't imagining things and someone really was out there.  She watched out the window as we waited for my dad to come back.

He was gone several minutes and when he returned and came inside I heard him tell my mother, "It was Penny.  I took him home and told him not to do it again."

I knew who Penny was.  My brother along with the other children in town had been warned to keep away from Penny.  We weren't told why only that we were not to talk to him or go around him and to cross the street if we had too.

My mind was racing.  I might have been caught by Penny and the horrible thoughts that came to my mind was that he might have had a knife and cut my throat or stabbed me in the back.  I was more frightened then than I was knowing someone was after me. 

I was still shaken and was getting a lecture from both of my parents for staying late at the library and then walking home after dark.  My mother said she would have a talk with her cousin so the next time she would call my dad to come get me.

"But I didn't know.  I told her I could walk home," I told them.  "I didn't know it was Penny or I would have gone to a house and got help."

My parents looked at one another and then to me.  My dad in his even quiet voice told me, "Penny wouldn't hurt you but it is just best you stay away from him."

"But why?  If he won't hurt me."  He always looked like a lonely man as he walked the streets of our town.  I noticed the adults always said hello to him but no one really ever talked to him.

My dad told me, "Penny has a slow mind.  He isn't like ordinary people.  It isn't his fault and he wouldn't hurt you but just the same, it is better that you don't go around him.  He doesn't understand that being nice and friendly is just being polite and he might want you to go somewhere with him, not to hurt you but just to have company and then we might not know where you were.  Do you understand?"

I was beginning to understand but I didn't know why they hadn't told me before.  If he wouldn't hurt us, then what harm would there be in saying hello or passing him on the street.  I guess my parents at the time didn't think I could distinguish the difference of being polite and speaking from being to friendly but I learned a lesson that night. 

I never stayed after dark at the library and if I did, I allowed my mother's cousin to call my dad to come pick me up.  I also learned that sometimes children understand more about a danger or suspected danger if they are told the truth and not be kept in the dark and only imagine what it could be.

I think my parents learned a lesson as well.  They talked to my brother and I more after that, explaining things and why people did the things they did or acted the way they did.  Such as the town drunk.  We knew he acted funny but were told he was sick.

But I have never forgotten that one late October evening as I walked home in the dark and the kind of fear that springs up within us and pumps the adrenalin to the highest level.  The mind works overtime thinking of the danger that is about to strike while it is sorting out what can be done to prevent it.  The heart works hard and the lungs expand in and out at a rapid pace.   And when it is all over, the ever present memory last forever.