It is true, most days are good days but some are just better than others. However, today was not one of those better days for me. It wasn't even a good day.
First, it would have been my husband's 70th birthday. I looked at his picture this morning and wished him a Happy Birthday just the same. This afternoon I drove up to the cemetery to talk with him. I wanted to wish him Happy Birthday there plus let him know several of our family, friends and many of our internet friends all sent wishes as well.
The day started off beautifully as the sun rose over the trees sending tentacles of light through the branches extending across the yard until it was high enough to bath the yard in full light, making the dew covered grass shine as sparkling diamonds. The blue sky went from a light to a deep color and I knew it was going to be a good day.
I had a doctor's appointment and knew the spirit of my husband would be there as I got test results and if he was, I'm sure he was as surprised and shocked as I was. But I do think he was with me, long enough to see to it that I made it back home to recollect myself and my thoughts from the news I'd received.
My day had turned dark, not truly dark as the sun shone down and the sky was cloudless and a bright clear blue, but it was dark to me.
The doctor told me that I have COPD, with compressed diaphragms, meaning they can't make the lungs work as they should. And in addition, they were fibroid. This is a condition usually caused by work related causes, dust, toxic fumes or chemicals, coal miners and such. But it can also appear for no reason or might have been brought on by asthma, which it seems I might have had for years and was undiagnosed as they knew of the chronic bronchitis and allergies. It makes no difference now how it came to be, it happened and now I will go see a Pulmologist for a confirmation and treatment options.
The options will be few and there is no cure. Basically I will use an inhaler until I have to go on oxygen and as the condition worsens, it will eventually lead to a respirator. It won't happen over night but will get steadily worse so I know what is coming and I made a decision that when that time comes, I will refuse the respirator.
I do not want to be a burden on my daughter or grandson and I can't ask them to give up their lives to take care of me. I've always believed that when God decides to bring me home I will go. Living on a machine is only delaying that and I will not ask God to wait for me either.
The oddest thing of all is that I have been a smoker for over 50 years and it has nothing to do with what I'm suffering from now. It didn't cause it and will not make it worse or hasten it. However, I am going to have to quit due to the Chronic Bronchitis I have as smoking does irritate that. The x-rays show my lungs as clear and there is no indication of Emphysema at all. I think I could have handled that easier than what I heard today but even then it would have been hard.
The bright light in all of this is that I am an optimist and I think positive. Even when I think everything is caving in around me, I still am able to see that light at the end of the tunnel and know that in time, it will work out. Just as this will. I don't know when or how long, but I plan to take each day and make it special and live it to the fullest.
I was feeling pretty down as I made my trip to the cemetery but after talking to my beloved, I found a peace and the rest of my day looked bright again. I know he was there with me, supporting me and just letting me know that it will be all right.
I've got the support of my family and as I told my oldest daughter, "I'm a tough old bird and it is going to take a lot to get me down."
So tomorrow will surely be a better day.
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