Old Year Out, New Year In

NOTE: I didn't post this on New Year's eve as planned due to concern for other family members who were not aware of the situation.  Now, I can share my thoughts.
December 31, 2010
As we begin the countdown to end 2010, we can look forward to 2011 with great hopes and expectations that it just has to be a better year.

I look back on this one and all the sorrow and tragedy I've had but yet there has been good times and happy times as well.  And so many memories.  Old ones revived and shared with family and friends and new ones made.

I have a lot to be thankful for and try to keep that positive outlook as we countdown the hours until the new year.  Actually what is it?  It will start out just like any other day, with the only change being that we change the year after the date.  But will it feel different, will it look different?  I don't think so.  But for some reason it will be different.  It will be the first day of a new year.  A year that we make resolutions which won't be kept but is the ritual that comes with the time.

We will make promises to ourselves that we will do things differently and that we will keep those resolutions but by the end of the first month, they will all be forgotten as we get back to the daily grind and the days will pass by just as they had the year before.

Our January will be the hardest month for us to get through.  Our thoughts can't help but go back to January of 2010 and our loved one.  His illness and how he struggled to get through each day until he lost his battle.  We will remember that dark time and the days that followed even though we were in a daze and nothing registered at the time.  Slowly the memory is coming back of that time and what we did and how we managed to get through each day.

There are still days that it all seems like a dream that I just can't wake up from but I know that it isn't and slowly I am moving on.  I have my family and my friends close by who are there for me each day and help me get through those days.

Recently I had to call on my good friend and neighbor to help me change a tire on my car.  He came over on a very cold day and showed me how the jack worked and then proceeded to take the tire off.  We took it along with a spare that I had, just in case, and we did have to replace the tire.  He then came back and struggled putting the tire back on, not allowing me to help.  And then he wouldn't accept any payment and only told me that was what friends were for.

But while he was here and on our little trip to the tire shop, he opened up to me about his problem, so perhaps it was two old friends helping each other.  His wife, my dear friend as well, has Dementia and we have watched her move down a path that we can't follow.  She refuses to believe there is a problem and her family which aren't around her that much do not see the deterioration of her mind.  It is such a sad thing as she is a lovely lady who was caring and still is to a certain degree, but one who was full of wit and laughter and there for me when we first found out about my husband's illness.  But I've watched as she slips into an abyss that excludes her husband, her family and her friends.  And I can't help.  I can only watch and be there for her and now for her husband to give him the moral support he needs as he faces a decision he doesn't want to make.

These good friends who are our next door neighbors were friends with my husband and myself.  As I said, they were there for us when he was first diagnosed with the cancer returning and were there for us all during the time and up until he lost his battle.  Tears streamed down Spike's face as much as Betty's and ours as he had lost a good friend too.  The pain we suffered in our loss, we suffered together in our memories and tried to find some happiness in our lives although we still miss our loved one.

Seldom do we find such good friends who will stand by you in good times as well as bad times, happy times as well as sad times, but we were fortunate to find Spike and Betty and now I hope to be there for them as they face their sadness and loss.

And family.  My daughter who is here close by wants to be my protector and I often think she is overly protective and yet I need that strength she has and I know down deep that I do need her help and that I am so glad she is close to me.  I hate to bother her with my problems but she knows and she is there willing to help any way she can.

Right now, our family is facing another sad time.  My mother who will be 91 years old on January 19 has come to the decision that it is time for her to give up her independency and move to the nursing home.  She took a couple of falls and the last one really banged her up good, so that she knows she cannot stay alone and she is scared and confused.  She will be changing her lifestyle and that is always hard on anyone and especially one who has lived the years she has and always been able to care for herself, now she will have to allow someone else to be there to help her.

So my daughter, bless her heart, knew how upset I was from having to do everything by long distance phone calls told me that she is taking me to be with my mother.  My brother will be coming and will have his youngest daughter with him.  Between the four of us, we will make the arrangements, pack up the personal belongings which we will dispose of later and get her settled into her new surroundings. 

It is hard to give up your freedom but there comes a time when we have to let go and this is her time.  I know that one day I will be the same and I dread the time that I am not able to do for myself or enjoy the things I love to do now.  I will miss walking around my yard, doing little things around here, just doing my own house work and believe it or not, I will miss having my computer to do my writing or visit with friends on forums and facebook or just to play games.

But as this new year comes, I am not going to think about all the sad things, or the things I cannot change.  I'm going to think positive that I know I will be able to survive on my own and that my mother will be cared for and I will be there for my friends as they have been there for me.  I will enjoy being with my daughter and my grandson and I hope that my other daughter and my grandchildren will come see me and spend some time with me.  I look forward to doing more and perhaps even finish up the list of things we made this year and didn't get done.  I've crossed procrastination off my list.  I don't have time to procrastinate and I need to live each day as it comes and do whatever needs to be done or whatever I want to do. 

So as I say good bye to year 2010, I look forward to year 2011 as a new adventure and a beginning of the rest of my life.  Happy New Year everyone and may your year be filled with love, happiness, good health and prosperity.