When you are left alone.

As many of you know I lost my husband in January of 2010.  We knew he was very ill but his death was still unexpected and it left me alone with a lot of unanswered questions and problems that came up.

I've been thinking about that alot lately and after going through this experience, I wanted to share those thoughts.  We never want to think about a loved one leaving us, but it does happen and perhaps this might give you some thoughts that will help you through that dark period.

I was very fortunate that in our over 48 years of marriage, my husband shared so much with me.  We worked side by side on remodeling projects and building projects so I at least knew what a crescent wrench was from a pair of needle nosed pliers and I also learned how to operate the drill and skill saw, although I did shy away from his big shop equipment, I would watch and he explained how it all worked.  I also knew the value and purpose of his equipment so now I can sell it and know that someone can't take advantage of me.

He showed me the basic skills I would need in home repair or minor building.  He showed me how to sand and paint.  He showed me how to replace hoses and don't laugh as I know a woman who really didn't know how to hook up her hose.  He showed me and allowed me to help him in so many things that I feel fortunate that I am able to take care of our home.

He also showed me how to run our riding mower and towards the end of his illness it was a good thing since he was unable to do it.  I know how to use the weed trimmer and recently learned how to wind the line on it.

I was faced with some large repair problems that I had to make decisions on and again I relied on the know how he had given me.  When our power went out, I checked all the breaker boxes and the one fuse box but still couldn't find the cause.  I did call in a neighbor who discovered that my breaker box had burned out two of the breakers and damaged the other two.  He was able to repair it for me.  I had to pay him of course but I at least knew that he wasn't telling me something just to make money.  I actually saw the damage so I knew what he was talking about. 

Then shortly thereafter my air conditioning unit went out.  I knew who to call as he had always called one company.  I trusted them and found out that lightning had struck at one time and it is probably what took out my electric box but couldn't verify that.  However, after a long battle with the insurance company, I was able to get the air conditioning unit replaced.

I had to replace our kitchen sink and again called on a neighbor friend but still ended up calling a plumber to finish it.  However, I watched and knew what was going on.  Now, I'm waiting to have an outside faucet repaired and only because it is old and I don't have the strength to remove the broken handle or I would do it myself.

My oldest daughter had moved here last fall to be with us to help with her dad and the fact that she had lost her job and her home and had no place to go.  She lives in a travel trailer next to our house.  They hooked up the electric, the water and the sewer lines.  But all winter, we fought the freezing of the hose that was hooked up for the water and even into spring when the hoses would swell and burst.  I got the idea to make it a more permanent water line by using pvc pipe.  With the help of a friend who basically backed up what I told him I wanted to do and showed us a few tips, my daughter and I installed a pvc line from the faucet to her trailer and there are no leaks, no breaks and we will insulate it this winter so she will be able to have water all winter instead of carting it as she did last year.

I think my husband would have come up with this very idea had he been here and I give him credit for giving me the knowledge that there was a way to make the water line a more permanent solution. 

Our next project is the sewer line as a friend installed it and there are problems.  We have figured out what we have to do and when it is cooler, my daughter, grandson and I will be installing a new line.  We have the confidence that we can do this and we will.

They may be small things but to some, they would be costly repairs.  There were times when my husband would tell me something and I would only half listen as I thought, "this is his job and I'll never have to do it."  I was wrong.  Now, I do have to do it.  There is no one to tell me how unless I hire it done or ask a friend and after a while even a good friend will think you are using them and not be quite as helpful as they were in the past.  So I am grateful that my husband did talk to me and show me things and how to do them even if I didn't pay that much attention, it is coming back to me now when I'm faced with a problem.

I had neighbors who wanted to help but they would do something on their own without asking and maybe it wasn't what I wanted done or how I would do it.  I didn't want to hurt their feelings as I knew they were trying to be helpful but sometimes it is better to ask a person before jumping in and doing something.  One neighbor mows his lawn so short that it is almost scalped and my husband always told me to leave it longer to protect it when it was hot and dry.  I know he was upset when I told him I didn't want him to cut my grass.  Besides I have my own mower and my daughter and I can do it ourselves, the way I want it done.

There was another reason I wanted to write this.  A neighbor is in the hospital right now and his wife is spending all her time at his bedside which is wonderful, however, I am afraid that should something happen, she will be lost.  Not only in her grief but lost in what to do to keep living in their home.  She has never done any yard work except plant some flowers and a garden and he did all the prep work.  She has watered but never mowed, fertilized or taken care of anything.  They built their home and he did the work.  She had no idea of what to do.

It made me think of all the women out there who allow their husband's to do "man work" while they take care of the house and prepare the meals.  We have to know man work whether we can do it or not.  We still have to know about it and know what needs to be done before we can proceed in doing it ourselves or hiring it done or even have a friend help out.

When cooler weather gets here, I'll be ripping out carpet and laying down a new tile floor.  I learned how to lay floors years ago so I know I can do it.  I've helped my husband take up carpet so again I know what has to be done and what preparation to the floor will be required.  The same way with the steps inside.  The carpet is going and I have no idea of what is under it but I will take care of it.  I have too. 

I've also learned how to take care of my car too.  That was another thing I learned not only from my husband but from his father years ago when I got my first car while he was in the Navy.  I know how to check the fluid levels and add if needed, I've learned how to recharge the a/c unit if it needs it and I know to take it in for the maintenance.  I have even learned how to operate our air compressor and fill the portable tank to air a tire that is low.

I knew how to hook up the charger for our golf cart but during his illness and the middle of winter, the cart was overlooked and I did have to rely on a good friend to help me get the batteries charged back up and now I can keep it that way.  I have one tire that I constantly monitor and have to air it up every so often but I can and I do.  I'm going to have to remove a seat to replace the foam and covering because our dog decided to play with it and tore it up.  Again, I know how as we'd had it reupholstered and I helped him remove and then replace the seats.  It might be a small thing but unless you've done it, you might not even know where to begin.

There are some things I will not be able to do and will have to hire someone but for the most part I feel that I can do just about anything that needs to be done around here.  It isn't hard and you may think it is boring but if you ever need to know, you will find out how important it really is.

And the worst part is that your loved one isn't there to do it or even advise you.  It makes it hard when the decision is all yours but if I can do it, then you can too.  So learn all you can, whether you do it or not makes no difference as long as you know how to do it and you know what is required for the job.  I hope that you might have got something from this.  It's amazing what comes up that you never think about or just knew that it would be taken care of and then all of a sudden, there is no one but you.

There is one more thing.  Know all about your finances and bills.  Some women never have to bother with this part of the marriage and it can be intimidating once you are faced with finances and what to do with your checking or savings or other financial aspects.  Paying bills, balancing a checkbook and living on a budget.  My income went down drastically which also caused a sudden lifestyle change for me.  I now have to budget so I have enough to pay the bills, buy gas for the car and groceries.  True I've cut back on the gas as I don't go much and I have cut back on the groceries but they are still expenses that I have.  I have to plan ahead for the unexpected.  The property taxes, or quarterly insurance payments.  I was able to transfer one of my husband's credit cards over to my name so I can continue to at least have one in case of an emergency.  It took over three months to contact everyone that had to be contacted and even now I still received notices that I have to advise that he is gone.  I thought I knew a lot of this stuff but I have found out that there was a lot I didn't know too.

I know this is rather long and I've probably forgotten some things but sit down and discuss what would happen if one or the other of you suddenly were gone.  It is a good thing for the husband to know about his wife's affairs too.  I hope that no one has to face this but it is a part of life and it happens so we need to be prepared.