Old Year Out, New Year In

NOTE: I didn't post this on New Year's eve as planned due to concern for other family members who were not aware of the situation.  Now, I can share my thoughts.
December 31, 2010
As we begin the countdown to end 2010, we can look forward to 2011 with great hopes and expectations that it just has to be a better year.

I look back on this one and all the sorrow and tragedy I've had but yet there has been good times and happy times as well.  And so many memories.  Old ones revived and shared with family and friends and new ones made.

I have a lot to be thankful for and try to keep that positive outlook as we countdown the hours until the new year.  Actually what is it?  It will start out just like any other day, with the only change being that we change the year after the date.  But will it feel different, will it look different?  I don't think so.  But for some reason it will be different.  It will be the first day of a new year.  A year that we make resolutions which won't be kept but is the ritual that comes with the time.

We will make promises to ourselves that we will do things differently and that we will keep those resolutions but by the end of the first month, they will all be forgotten as we get back to the daily grind and the days will pass by just as they had the year before.

Our January will be the hardest month for us to get through.  Our thoughts can't help but go back to January of 2010 and our loved one.  His illness and how he struggled to get through each day until he lost his battle.  We will remember that dark time and the days that followed even though we were in a daze and nothing registered at the time.  Slowly the memory is coming back of that time and what we did and how we managed to get through each day.

There are still days that it all seems like a dream that I just can't wake up from but I know that it isn't and slowly I am moving on.  I have my family and my friends close by who are there for me each day and help me get through those days.

Recently I had to call on my good friend and neighbor to help me change a tire on my car.  He came over on a very cold day and showed me how the jack worked and then proceeded to take the tire off.  We took it along with a spare that I had, just in case, and we did have to replace the tire.  He then came back and struggled putting the tire back on, not allowing me to help.  And then he wouldn't accept any payment and only told me that was what friends were for.

But while he was here and on our little trip to the tire shop, he opened up to me about his problem, so perhaps it was two old friends helping each other.  His wife, my dear friend as well, has Dementia and we have watched her move down a path that we can't follow.  She refuses to believe there is a problem and her family which aren't around her that much do not see the deterioration of her mind.  It is such a sad thing as she is a lovely lady who was caring and still is to a certain degree, but one who was full of wit and laughter and there for me when we first found out about my husband's illness.  But I've watched as she slips into an abyss that excludes her husband, her family and her friends.  And I can't help.  I can only watch and be there for her and now for her husband to give him the moral support he needs as he faces a decision he doesn't want to make.

These good friends who are our next door neighbors were friends with my husband and myself.  As I said, they were there for us when he was first diagnosed with the cancer returning and were there for us all during the time and up until he lost his battle.  Tears streamed down Spike's face as much as Betty's and ours as he had lost a good friend too.  The pain we suffered in our loss, we suffered together in our memories and tried to find some happiness in our lives although we still miss our loved one.

Seldom do we find such good friends who will stand by you in good times as well as bad times, happy times as well as sad times, but we were fortunate to find Spike and Betty and now I hope to be there for them as they face their sadness and loss.

And family.  My daughter who is here close by wants to be my protector and I often think she is overly protective and yet I need that strength she has and I know down deep that I do need her help and that I am so glad she is close to me.  I hate to bother her with my problems but she knows and she is there willing to help any way she can.

Right now, our family is facing another sad time.  My mother who will be 91 years old on January 19 has come to the decision that it is time for her to give up her independency and move to the nursing home.  She took a couple of falls and the last one really banged her up good, so that she knows she cannot stay alone and she is scared and confused.  She will be changing her lifestyle and that is always hard on anyone and especially one who has lived the years she has and always been able to care for herself, now she will have to allow someone else to be there to help her.

So my daughter, bless her heart, knew how upset I was from having to do everything by long distance phone calls told me that she is taking me to be with my mother.  My brother will be coming and will have his youngest daughter with him.  Between the four of us, we will make the arrangements, pack up the personal belongings which we will dispose of later and get her settled into her new surroundings. 

It is hard to give up your freedom but there comes a time when we have to let go and this is her time.  I know that one day I will be the same and I dread the time that I am not able to do for myself or enjoy the things I love to do now.  I will miss walking around my yard, doing little things around here, just doing my own house work and believe it or not, I will miss having my computer to do my writing or visit with friends on forums and facebook or just to play games.

But as this new year comes, I am not going to think about all the sad things, or the things I cannot change.  I'm going to think positive that I know I will be able to survive on my own and that my mother will be cared for and I will be there for my friends as they have been there for me.  I will enjoy being with my daughter and my grandson and I hope that my other daughter and my grandchildren will come see me and spend some time with me.  I look forward to doing more and perhaps even finish up the list of things we made this year and didn't get done.  I've crossed procrastination off my list.  I don't have time to procrastinate and I need to live each day as it comes and do whatever needs to be done or whatever I want to do. 

So as I say good bye to year 2010, I look forward to year 2011 as a new adventure and a beginning of the rest of my life.  Happy New Year everyone and may your year be filled with love, happiness, good health and prosperity.

Christmas Eve 2010

The day has arrived.  Christmas Eve.  This year is different because we are missing a very important family member, but he is with us in spirit and we have made every effort to include him in our holiday thoughts.

Melanie and Zach came over this afternoon and we had our gift exchange.  We took our time and really enjoyed ourselves.  When we were finished, I turned on the Greeting train that my husband loved so much and ran it a few times as we felt his presence.

One of the gifts I received was very special.  It was address to "mammaw for pappaw".  It was from our oldest granddaughter, Brianna and it was a nutcracker.  It is standing next to all the others that my husband had collected through the years.  I added some new ones but the one she sent is very special.

I made the traditional chili and we had our chili along with ham sandwiches and then we played a few hands of Texas Hold 'Em.  When I went broke, they finished it out.  Later, they hooked up the game consoles and played some Mario and Guitar Hero. 

We also called my mom so that we each could talk to her and wish her a Merry Christmas.  We then called my younger daughter, Michele and the grandkids who were at their Christmas party but took the time to talk to us.  We will be talking to them again tomorrow as they open the gifts we sent over to them.

It has been a strange Christmas and I've felt like something was missing but we were together for awhile tonight, even if a part of the family were miles away and we only heard their voices, we were still together and I know that Harold was watching over us and was here with us.

Zach's car wouldn't start so his mother had to go get him and they just left so she could take him home.  They were going to make a side trip and go through the light display at the state park.  She was really impressed when she saw it and wanted him to see it as well.  Tomorrow he will be with his dad and hopefully they can find the problem with the car and get him fixed up before he has to go back to work on Monday.

So as Christmas 2010 goes into our memory book, we look forward to the new year that it will hold good health and that the woes of this one will fade.  We will always have the memory of our loved one in our hearts as we look forward to the future knowing this would be what he wanted most for us.

From our family to yours, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.   And let's not forget that we may celebrate and exchange gifts, but the biggest gift we've ever received was on this day when Jesus was born.  May we celebrate his birth and give him the gift of our faith.

REMEMBRANCE

This Christmas is not the same.  Our loved one will not be joining us for the celebration here on earth, but we each have a part of him in our hearts and our thoughts and we know his spirit is with us.

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Each day that you have been gone, you have not been forgotten.  I think of you when I awake and I think of you as I close my eyes to sleep.  I think of you while looking out the window, expecting to see you coming towards me.  I think of you as I drive down the highway, that you will be in the passenger seat, I think of you as I sit at the table to eat a meal and I think of you as I walk through our home.

I miss the sound of your voice, the laughter that we once shared.  I miss your arms around me and that silly grin you had.  I miss just having you near, so that I can talk to you in person. 

I know the pain you suffered and the concerns you had knowing you would be leaving me.  I wish I could have removed that pain and kept you just a while longer, but it was time to let you go from this earthly world to a joyous reunion with our Lord.  It was your time to go home and I know that one day soon we will be together again and until that time, watch over me and know that you will never be forgotten.

Tis The Night Before Christmas

Tis the night before Christmas
said the cat to the mouse.
We have to get busy
and light up this house.

Santa will be coming late this night,
so let's be good and will not fight.
He'll bring you cracker and cheese,
I'll ask for catnip and say please.

He'll arrive in his sleigh,
pulled by all those reindeer.
And I know we will hear him say,
If you've been good, then you need not fear.

Those cookies, you cannot nibble,
I will know as you will dribble.
I promise I will not lap up the milk.
I won't knead that pillow of silk.

As the cat said to the mouse,
while they hid in the house.
Now, we've hung our stocking.
We must fall asleep said the mouse, mocking.

In the morning when we awake,
we can look out the window and see nary a flake.
But Santa will bring us our gifts,
as he has seen our lists.

As the cat and mouse nestled together,
to keep warm in this cold weather.
 The sleigh and reindeer did come
and Santa did his Ho Hum!

As Santa flew away
in that big sleigh,
He called out as he took flight,
Merry Christmas to all and to all
   a good night.

Copyright (c) 2010

A Little Kindness Can Go A Long Way

My husband and I always liked living in a rural area or a small town.  We knew we would have to give up some of the luxuries that are available in a metropolitan area but we liked the feel of a small community where you knew your neighbor and people helped each other.

So when we retired, we lived in a rural area and had many friends and good neighbors but it wasn't exactly what we wanted.  We decided to move back to the lake area as we liked it so much when we lived here years ago and we had friends still here so in a way it was like coming home.

I've griped and complained because I might not be able to find what I want in the stores so we have to drive a few miles to find what we are looking for or I complain because we don't have all the accessibility here that we might have in a large area, but at the same time, I love the feel of the small community and the closeness of neighbors and good friends.

Today proved to be another reason why I love living in a small town/rural area.  We have a choice of grocery stores but I have one in particular that I like and even though I don't go as often as I did, they are still friendly and treat me as an old friend.  The same with our local dollar store.

A couple of years ago, our small Walmart decided to put in a super store and we were all thrilled as we would have access to things that wouldn't require driving 35 to 70 miles away for.  However, the economy forced them to downsize it just a bit but it still is larger and offers more than we had before so I do a lot of my shopping there.

Today I stopped at my grocery store to pick up a few things I like to get from them, then next door to the Dollar store for a few things and finally my last stop was Walmart.

I needed some cat litter and always buy a particular brand and there was a box with a $1.00 coupon on it so I got it.  When I got to the checkout, I peeled it off according to the little arrow that said, "Peel here".  However it stuck to the box and took half of the box with it.  I was trying to see if it would separate as was so sticky and just knew there had to be something wrong.

The cashier had rung up my purchases and I told her, "Well, I had a coupon but it tore off part of the box and I guess it isn't any good."  She took it and said, "Let me see it."  She began working trying to peel away the sticky part to no avail and then tried scraping off the pieces of the box with her fingernail.  She turned off the light of her check out and worked about fifteen minutes on this coupon.  I told her it was to much work and that it was okay but she wanted to help.

The whole time she was talking about how coupons really help as they add up and then switched to talk about Christmas and was I ready.  We discussed baking and gifts and finally she did give it up and I paid for my purchases.  When I got ready to leave, she apologized for not being able to help me, told me to have a good day and a Merry Christmas.

I wished her a good day and a Merry Christmas as well and when I left the store, I knew this is one of the reasons we came here.  The feel of camaraderie of the people, the friendliness and a genuine feeling of wanting to help one another.

In our daily lives, we get busy and sometimes forget the courtesy we should show to others and especially at this time of the year when stores are busier and shoppers are out in droves.  But somehow in our small community, we still take the time to show courtesy and help our neighbors and friends or in this case, the customers.

There are a lot of bad feelings at times about Walmart but I feel fortunate that our local one is friendly, clean and often carries USA products and advertises them as such.  And if it is something I don't want to buy because it is foreign, I don't have too and no one is going to criticize me for it.

Perhaps if we all took a little more time to smile and say a kind word, not only during this season, but all the time, we might discover that even the largest of cities could be as nice as the smallest.

For now, I'm happy that we decided to come here and we have wonderful friends, great neighbors and we also have great storekeepers who appreciate us.  It makes me feel good all over.

Tis The Season

How true it is.  It is the season and it is showing up everywhere.  I know I have my decorations up inside and out and have most of my shopping done, just a couple more. 

This next week I'll be doing some cookie making and candy too.  I'll be sending goodies off to the youngest daughter and three grandkids in Arkansas but will also have to have some here for the older daughter and grandson.  It just wouldn't be Christmas without my butter cookies.  Both of my daughters have the recipe but say they aren't the same as mine.  I think they just like for Mom to make them, but that is okay as I don't mind.

I got my Christmas CD's out so when I feel like Christmas music, I have a selection to choose from and it just seems to fit the mood at this time of the year. 

I hope we will be able to take an evening soon and drive around to see the lights and go through the State Park just west of us to see their big display.  But it is fun just to see the decorations of my neighbors, even during the daytime as I pass by their houses.

Tonight, Melanie will be going to her office Christmas party.  She has been the organizer and it has been a lot of work but I'm sure it will be appreciated and everyone will have a great time.  She was kind of thrown into this at the last minute since she only started in October, but a lot of it was repetitive so that helped.  She did have to hire a DJ and was able to get a young man she's known for years and is very popular in the area.  So I know everyone will enjoy him.  She was able to rent a TV and get Satellite hooked up as tonight is also the big game between Oklahoma University and Nebraska.    She had a list from previous years to help guide here where to go for the snack trays and drinks.  They will have a bar but that was stocked by one of the doctors.  She still filled her jeep by going through the check out line three times at Walmart with water, soft drinks, beer and crackers.  There will be something for everyone and with a list of 200 coming, that is quite a feat.  I'm so proud of her and that she has been able to accomplish so much in a short time but then again, I had all the faith in her and knew she could do it. 

So Tis The Season for parties, family gatherings, bright lights, Christmas carols, special treats and of course, secrets.

It is also a time to remember.  We should remember most of all that it is Jesus birthday that we celebrate.  We also need to remember our loved ones who may not be with us in person, but are in our hearts and memories and will always be with us in spirit. 

Merry Christmas to you and yours.

December 2010

My how the year is going by.  It just seems like yesterday that we were wearing shorts and sandals and trying to stay cool and now we've dug out the heavy sweaters, sweats and heavy coats as we prepare for winter.

We had a nice but quiet Thanksgiving.  It was my oldest daughter and grandson and myself but we had a good dinner and naturally ate too much but that is par for a Thanksgiving meal.  I hadn't made pumpkin pie in years as my husband always made them.  It was his favorite and he wanted to know how so I told him and from then on, he made the pumpkin pie.  But this year I made them.  With only the three of us and basically just Melanie and I to eat them, I knew we couldn't eat two so I gave one to our neighbors across the street.  We enjoyed the other one.

We spent some time in the afternoon playing the Wii and then my grandson showed us how he could play Guitar Hero.  He is good at it.  I can barely keep up with the notes as they go flying by but his fingers work the guitar quickly and he makes it look so easy, just as I do with my typing only I'm writing down the words in my mind, not looking at flying colors coming at me on a TV screen and trying to make my fingers match what I'm seeing.  I think I must be getting old and the coordination isn't quite what it used to be.

But now we are in my favorite season as far as holidays go.  I don't care for winter with its cold and ice and snow.  It had to show us that it could do something and produced ice on Thanksgiving day but that is all that I care for so it doesn't have to show us again.  I had put up my outside lights and decorations before Thanksgiving when the weather had given us a couple of warm days.  They were windy days but I managed to get everything in place and ready to hook up to the power and on Thanksgiving afternoon I set the timers so that night at dark, everything would come on automatically for a few hours.

The tree was up and decorated and again the lights came on Thanksgiving day and the day after was for removing the fall decorations inside and putting up the Christmas ones.  It always takes me a few days as I savor each and every decoration, making sure it is just the way I want it and a pleasure to look at.

This year I've included the collections and favorites of my husband and feel he is with us in spirit.  I know he would be pleased with what I have done and it gives me some good memories as I look around at all of them.

I'll be starting the cookie and candy making this next week as I'll be including some goodies in the package I'll send off to my daughter and three grandchildren in Arkansas.  The weather can be so unpredictable so we don't even plan for a Christmas get together as we just never know what it will be and sometimes we can even be surprised as we were on Thanksgiving as the ice was not predicted but we go it just the same.

I've got the gifts bought and wrapped with the exception of something for my oldest daughter to have on Christmas and perhaps a stocking stuffer for my grandson.  Since my oldest daughter and I decided to go together and buy a gift that we would share we have already received our gift.

We got an USB turntable to convert our LP albums into CD's.  She's been playing with it and has made a couple of CD's already.  When she is done, then we'll bring it in and hook it up to my computer and see if I can figure it out and make some too.  We both have a lot of records and some are not available on CD so will be a treat that we'll be able to hear some of the oldies but goodies.

December.  The month which ends the year.  A busy time even if it is winter, but a glorious time as well, with color and smells and sounds that makes the merriement of Christmas.  The secrets and gaily wrapped gifts, the special treats homemade from the kitchen and yet it will end on New Years Eve as this year passes and a new one begins.

It hasn't been a good year in a lot of ways and yet we have been blessed.  The loss of my husband in January still hurts and he is missed every day, but then I look at the good things that have happened to my grandson and especially my daughter.  They both have found good jobs that they like and my grandson has moved into his first place and is settling in learning the responsibilities of being on his own.  My daughter is finally able to catch up and have a little extra now that she can put back in her savings.

I'm so thankful that things have turned around for both of them, but especially my daughter as she went through some very rough times and at last the blessings have been put on her and she is getting her life back on track and finding her happiness again.

So as we end this year, we will spend each day remembering the past year but also planning for the new one and what lies ahead of us.  We will be thankful for what we have and will cherish the memories we've made, the memories from the past as we move forward to the future.  We will remember our lost loved one and hope the next year will ease the pain we still feel in our hearts while allowing us to remember all the good times.