A friend of mine posted this on a forum this morning and it has a lot of truth and I just wanted to share it.
Law of the Garbage Truck
One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport.
We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.
My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us.
My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.
So I asked, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!"
This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."
He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment.
As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally.
Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home or on the streets.
The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.
Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so...Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't.
Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!
Have a garbage free day!
Good advice: Garbage in, garbage out.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
IN MEMORANDUM
I would like to dedicate this blog to a very special lady in my life, my mother.
Eva Louise was born on January 19, 1920, the fifth daughter of what would be a family of eight girls and four boys, with two of the boys being twins.
She was always small for her age but from the stories she told, she kept up with the others. She loved to run and was always being scolded for running as she would often be out of breath or worn out but she loved it just the same. She loved school and did very well. And growing up in a large family, there was always plenty of work to be done and to help out with the younger ones.
She left school after her 8th Grade graduation and helped around the farm and family. But when she was eighteen she went to work for a family helping them while she earned money to help out her own family. She worked for the Western family for two years and helped with the care of Mrs. Western as she failed.
She met my dad when she was working for the Western family and they dated for almost a year and on July 28, 1940 they were married. She became a wife and homemaker as they rented a small farm and my dad became a farmer working from sun up to sun down most days.
But they discovered that the sun was causing a problem as a spot appeared on his face and after testing at the University Hospital in Iowa City, they diagnosed him with Lupus and his farming days were over.
He got a job working with the railroad and my mom even traveled some with him, helping with the cooking for the crew. But then she discovered she was expecting her first child. She stayed home while he continued to work but he was home in time for my birth on April 30, 1943. He still worked for the railroad and I have one letter than he wrote while he was gone.
He finally gave up that job and came home to work at several jobs until he was hired at a tire shop. Then they discovered they were going to have a second child and my brother Bob was born on February 15, 1946.
My mom was a stay at home mom and she loved to read to us from our story books and the Bible. And we loved having her read to us and just sit and tell us stories. She was a great storyteller with a big imagination and I know that is where I get it from and I owe it all to her.
I was twelve and Bob was nine when our mother got a job outside the home. She worked for the Carbon Plant in Red Oak and I can remember our dad driving us over to pick her up from work on Friday or Saturday nights and sometimes we would go early and he would take us to a drive in while we waited for her to get off. Then we would tell her about the movie on the way home.
In 1956 we were surprised but also happy to hear that there would be a new member of the family and on January 25, 1957, Susan was born.
Again our mom was a stay at home mom, but we had left our hometown in Iowa and settled in Wichita, Kansas where my dad worked as a TV technician. But in February 1959, we moved to Independence, Missouri where he continued to work as a technician for a Kansas City company. My mom stayed home and took in ironings and baby sat for extra income.
I can remember having long talks with my mom and I know she always worked hard and never complained. She was able to buy what us kids needed and even though we might not have had everything, our parents did their best and especially my mom.
As I grew up and got married and started my own family, she was thrilled with becoming a grandmother even though as we all often do, say we are too young, but she loved her new grandbaby and soon there was another and then my brother married and there were three more to come. It was awhile before Susan started her family but she added two more and my mom loved every single one of her 7 grandchildren. She told me one time, "I loved all three of you kids, each in your own way as you were all different and it is the same with my grandchildren. I love them all but each in their own way as they are all different." It was true. She loved them all and remembered them all. This was also true as the great grandchildren came along and she loved each and every one of the 12 great grandchildren.
There were several years that we lived far apart but we tried to go visit them and they would come visit us and then we would talk on the phone. My mom and I had this special thing we did. When I was close to them, she and I would have coffee together. That was our time to talk or laugh or whatever and when I was far away, we always had our coffee together at a certain time and if we talked on the phone, we would have a cup of coffee together.
On July 28, 1990, my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary with the children and grandchildren and members of both sides of the family present to honor them. My dad was ill but they both enjoyed the celebration and on February 2, 1991, they celebrated again with the birth of their first great grandchild. But it would be a few months before they actually got to see him and hold him, they were delighted just the same.
My dad left us in December 1991 which left a void in our lives but my mother continued on. She moved around for awhile and then settled in Minnesota. She suffered through a botched double knee replacement but was determined to live as well as she could but she suffered pain in her knees constantly and had problems with walking afterwards.
She moved back to Iowa as she wanted to be closer to where my dad was and she lived in an apartment complex on her own for over nine years. We visited her often and on a couple of occasions, I would spend a week or several days with her. We talked, we cleaned, we laughed and we shopped and just had a great time together.
I began calling her on Sunday afternoon in the late 90's since we couldn't see each other that often and I knew she was alone all week. At first, our calls would be about an hour or an hour and a half if there was really something we had to discuss. But then I got a cell phone and had free calling on the weekends. Our calls stretched from one hour to two and sometimes we would talk for four hours. We just talked about the past, about the kids or grandkids or what we had been doing. For years we avoided politics but then she began to change and so that was another subject we could talk about.
My family would just smile and they all knew that Sunday afternoons was my time with my mom and so for over ten years we had our Sunday afternoon chats. Sometimes I would call during the week if I knew she wasn't feeling good or she had been to the doctor so I could get the reports.
My mom loved to cook and was a great cook. She even cooked as a living, working in a nursing home facility and later in a hospital cafeteria. When we were young, we always had a big garden and she canned or froze the vegetables and if we got fruit, she would can or freeze it as well. She loved to read and she was also a crocheter and a knitter.
My mom was more than just a mother to me, she was also my friend and my confidant. She could give me advice but never told me what to do but I would listen and I have to admit most of the time she was right on. We had to give up our coffee time when she had to give it up due to stomach problems but we still would pretend.
It was with heavy heart when my mom told me she had fallen and hurt herself badly and I was unable to go to her aid due to winter weather but then we got a break and my daughter took off work, my brother and his youngest daughter met us at our mother's apartment as she had made the decision that it was time to go to the nursing home where she would have someone with her. She was losing her sight as well which was making things more difficult for her to function on a day to day basis.
We made the trip and we packed up her things and got her ready to move into the nursing home. It was a nice place and one of her sister's was a resident there and there were other family members close by to come visit. We took her on January 4, 2011 and within a month she had settled in and was participating in the games and events that the home offered and she was able to attend church services and she was upbeat and happy, even though she still was having a problem with her walking and her balance.
But on February 10, 2011, everything changed and it was not for her best interest. Susan removed her from the home and took her on a 7 hour car ride, which we feel she had suffered a stroke from the information we received. She was "assessed" by unknown doctors of whom Bob and I were never told about or what she was being "assessed" for, and then the stories began. Susan would tell him one thing, tell me another and when he suffered a stroke at one of Susan's tirades, she told our mother that he was drunk.
I spoke to my mother on a few occasions when we were finally given a phone number and could call her, almost two weeks after she had been removed. I noticed immediately that she had a problem understanding and her memory was very confused, which two weeks earlier she hadn't been that way at all. The only communications we received were cryptic but mainly calling us names and telling us that we had done the wrong thing and that we were being cut off and only given information when our mother requested it. This was so unlike her and it has caused so much stress and even anger that we were not involved in our mother's life or the decisions that were made for her, whether they were for her good or not, no one will ever really know since she didn't make the decision and no one was told what was going on.
During my last conversation, the one in which she could talk, she was so confused and thought I was somewhere else and rambled on about that that made no sense. My heart was broken and then I got word that her time was near. I called to have the phone put to her ear as I told her that I loved her and was praying for her. I never got to speak to her again.
On March 20, 2011 my mother departed this earth to find the rest and peace she deserved. She will be missed terribly as even now when Sunday comes around, I think I need to call her and just talk. My Sundays will be empty for a long time but she will never be forgotten. I loved her very much as did my brother and we know that she loved us and even though we were not allowed to be with her at the time of her passing, we were with her in spirit.
We were not told of the final arrangements but I found out and again out of respect to our mother, we will only be there in spirit as we will not allow the younger member of the family to continue the harassment and trouble making which would not please our mother. So on March 24, 2011, my brother and I will say at prayer at 10 AM and our mother will hear us and will know that we are with her.
Good bye Mother, I love you and always will and the memories of the life we shared will be with me forever and I will take comfort in those memories and the laughs we shared and the wisdom you gave me.
In Memory of Eva Louise Newberg Smith, 1940 to 2011.
Eva Louise was born on January 19, 1920, the fifth daughter of what would be a family of eight girls and four boys, with two of the boys being twins.
She was always small for her age but from the stories she told, she kept up with the others. She loved to run and was always being scolded for running as she would often be out of breath or worn out but she loved it just the same. She loved school and did very well. And growing up in a large family, there was always plenty of work to be done and to help out with the younger ones.
She left school after her 8th Grade graduation and helped around the farm and family. But when she was eighteen she went to work for a family helping them while she earned money to help out her own family. She worked for the Western family for two years and helped with the care of Mrs. Western as she failed.
She met my dad when she was working for the Western family and they dated for almost a year and on July 28, 1940 they were married. She became a wife and homemaker as they rented a small farm and my dad became a farmer working from sun up to sun down most days.
But they discovered that the sun was causing a problem as a spot appeared on his face and after testing at the University Hospital in Iowa City, they diagnosed him with Lupus and his farming days were over.
He got a job working with the railroad and my mom even traveled some with him, helping with the cooking for the crew. But then she discovered she was expecting her first child. She stayed home while he continued to work but he was home in time for my birth on April 30, 1943. He still worked for the railroad and I have one letter than he wrote while he was gone.
He finally gave up that job and came home to work at several jobs until he was hired at a tire shop. Then they discovered they were going to have a second child and my brother Bob was born on February 15, 1946.
My mom was a stay at home mom and she loved to read to us from our story books and the Bible. And we loved having her read to us and just sit and tell us stories. She was a great storyteller with a big imagination and I know that is where I get it from and I owe it all to her.
I was twelve and Bob was nine when our mother got a job outside the home. She worked for the Carbon Plant in Red Oak and I can remember our dad driving us over to pick her up from work on Friday or Saturday nights and sometimes we would go early and he would take us to a drive in while we waited for her to get off. Then we would tell her about the movie on the way home.
In 1956 we were surprised but also happy to hear that there would be a new member of the family and on January 25, 1957, Susan was born.
Again our mom was a stay at home mom, but we had left our hometown in Iowa and settled in Wichita, Kansas where my dad worked as a TV technician. But in February 1959, we moved to Independence, Missouri where he continued to work as a technician for a Kansas City company. My mom stayed home and took in ironings and baby sat for extra income.
I can remember having long talks with my mom and I know she always worked hard and never complained. She was able to buy what us kids needed and even though we might not have had everything, our parents did their best and especially my mom.
As I grew up and got married and started my own family, she was thrilled with becoming a grandmother even though as we all often do, say we are too young, but she loved her new grandbaby and soon there was another and then my brother married and there were three more to come. It was awhile before Susan started her family but she added two more and my mom loved every single one of her 7 grandchildren. She told me one time, "I loved all three of you kids, each in your own way as you were all different and it is the same with my grandchildren. I love them all but each in their own way as they are all different." It was true. She loved them all and remembered them all. This was also true as the great grandchildren came along and she loved each and every one of the 12 great grandchildren.
There were several years that we lived far apart but we tried to go visit them and they would come visit us and then we would talk on the phone. My mom and I had this special thing we did. When I was close to them, she and I would have coffee together. That was our time to talk or laugh or whatever and when I was far away, we always had our coffee together at a certain time and if we talked on the phone, we would have a cup of coffee together.
On July 28, 1990, my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary with the children and grandchildren and members of both sides of the family present to honor them. My dad was ill but they both enjoyed the celebration and on February 2, 1991, they celebrated again with the birth of their first great grandchild. But it would be a few months before they actually got to see him and hold him, they were delighted just the same.
My dad left us in December 1991 which left a void in our lives but my mother continued on. She moved around for awhile and then settled in Minnesota. She suffered through a botched double knee replacement but was determined to live as well as she could but she suffered pain in her knees constantly and had problems with walking afterwards.
She moved back to Iowa as she wanted to be closer to where my dad was and she lived in an apartment complex on her own for over nine years. We visited her often and on a couple of occasions, I would spend a week or several days with her. We talked, we cleaned, we laughed and we shopped and just had a great time together.
I began calling her on Sunday afternoon in the late 90's since we couldn't see each other that often and I knew she was alone all week. At first, our calls would be about an hour or an hour and a half if there was really something we had to discuss. But then I got a cell phone and had free calling on the weekends. Our calls stretched from one hour to two and sometimes we would talk for four hours. We just talked about the past, about the kids or grandkids or what we had been doing. For years we avoided politics but then she began to change and so that was another subject we could talk about.
My family would just smile and they all knew that Sunday afternoons was my time with my mom and so for over ten years we had our Sunday afternoon chats. Sometimes I would call during the week if I knew she wasn't feeling good or she had been to the doctor so I could get the reports.
My mom loved to cook and was a great cook. She even cooked as a living, working in a nursing home facility and later in a hospital cafeteria. When we were young, we always had a big garden and she canned or froze the vegetables and if we got fruit, she would can or freeze it as well. She loved to read and she was also a crocheter and a knitter.
My mom was more than just a mother to me, she was also my friend and my confidant. She could give me advice but never told me what to do but I would listen and I have to admit most of the time she was right on. We had to give up our coffee time when she had to give it up due to stomach problems but we still would pretend.
It was with heavy heart when my mom told me she had fallen and hurt herself badly and I was unable to go to her aid due to winter weather but then we got a break and my daughter took off work, my brother and his youngest daughter met us at our mother's apartment as she had made the decision that it was time to go to the nursing home where she would have someone with her. She was losing her sight as well which was making things more difficult for her to function on a day to day basis.
We made the trip and we packed up her things and got her ready to move into the nursing home. It was a nice place and one of her sister's was a resident there and there were other family members close by to come visit. We took her on January 4, 2011 and within a month she had settled in and was participating in the games and events that the home offered and she was able to attend church services and she was upbeat and happy, even though she still was having a problem with her walking and her balance.
But on February 10, 2011, everything changed and it was not for her best interest. Susan removed her from the home and took her on a 7 hour car ride, which we feel she had suffered a stroke from the information we received. She was "assessed" by unknown doctors of whom Bob and I were never told about or what she was being "assessed" for, and then the stories began. Susan would tell him one thing, tell me another and when he suffered a stroke at one of Susan's tirades, she told our mother that he was drunk.
I spoke to my mother on a few occasions when we were finally given a phone number and could call her, almost two weeks after she had been removed. I noticed immediately that she had a problem understanding and her memory was very confused, which two weeks earlier she hadn't been that way at all. The only communications we received were cryptic but mainly calling us names and telling us that we had done the wrong thing and that we were being cut off and only given information when our mother requested it. This was so unlike her and it has caused so much stress and even anger that we were not involved in our mother's life or the decisions that were made for her, whether they were for her good or not, no one will ever really know since she didn't make the decision and no one was told what was going on.
During my last conversation, the one in which she could talk, she was so confused and thought I was somewhere else and rambled on about that that made no sense. My heart was broken and then I got word that her time was near. I called to have the phone put to her ear as I told her that I loved her and was praying for her. I never got to speak to her again.
On March 20, 2011 my mother departed this earth to find the rest and peace she deserved. She will be missed terribly as even now when Sunday comes around, I think I need to call her and just talk. My Sundays will be empty for a long time but she will never be forgotten. I loved her very much as did my brother and we know that she loved us and even though we were not allowed to be with her at the time of her passing, we were with her in spirit.
We were not told of the final arrangements but I found out and again out of respect to our mother, we will only be there in spirit as we will not allow the younger member of the family to continue the harassment and trouble making which would not please our mother. So on March 24, 2011, my brother and I will say at prayer at 10 AM and our mother will hear us and will know that we are with her.
Good bye Mother, I love you and always will and the memories of the life we shared will be with me forever and I will take comfort in those memories and the laughs we shared and the wisdom you gave me.
In Memory of Eva Louise Newberg Smith, 1940 to 2011.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
ABUSE - When is the line crossed?
This is a subject that has been on my mind a lot recently. It is a more common thing than most people know about and that is ABUSE TO THE ELDERLY. Recently Mickey Rooney testified before a congressional committee on how the elderly are abused with no one to really listen to them or worse, believe them.
It seems society can fathom the abuse of children and women and condemn the abusers but when it comes to the elderly, they turn a blind eye. And it is more prevalent than what most people think. I doubt there are any real numbers or facts since so many abuse cases are never reported.
I recently read an article by Mary Sanchez of the Kansas City Star which pretty much describes the situation that many families face today. And it will get worse as the older generation increases.
Abuse comes in many forms. There is verbal abuse where the victim is verbally condemned, admonished and scolded. There is the physical abuse where they are physically assaulted and often injured. And then there is the mental abuse. This is probably one of the hardest to detect but is when the elder person has been mentally challenged by a spouse, child or caregiver into thinking they have done wrong and become confused, often withdrawing into their safe world of memories so they don't have to face the accusations. Of course, some do have health related issues with the mental development, but when a person who has been living a normal lifestyle, even if they are limited on movement but still active enough to converse or participate in activities suddenly change to be withdrawn and non communicative or feel they are useless and give up on all activity, then something has changed their life.
I've seen this abuse first hand and I can tell you that it is not only harmful to the elder person involved, but to all the family and friends of that individual. When the abuser has finally cajoled and manipulated the elder person into thinking that they are the only person who cares for them or will take care of them and begins to slowly dismantle the life the elder person has known, it is abusive.
The abuser is actually taking over that person's life, telling them what they want them to hear, convincing them that only they are the one who cares and wants what is best and that everyone else, including family members are out to get that elderly person and hurt them in some way.
Hard to believe, isn't it? But it is true. I've watched as a family member went from what we all thought was concern and in agreement with a treatment for our mother. She had agreed it was time to give up her living on her own lifestyle and go to a nursing home where she would have the supervision and care that was required. It was her decision and we made sure it was done. Being frail at the age of almost 91 didn't help at times as she was having to give up everything she had as well as her home but she still had the mental faculty to know it was what she needed to do. With the family scattered, many miles away, it wasn't always possible for someone to come to her aid immediately and our concern was her health and safety, not so much as the idea of sticking her in a nursing home and just forgetting about her.
She adjusted very quickly to the new lifestyle and was participating in the activities of the home, visiting with other residents and seemed to be as happy as she could be living in a cramped corner sharing a room but she said she knew it was for the best and that she felt safe there.
She had some health issues that were being examined by the doctors and therapists but then suddenly a family member who had not been present at the time of her admittance to the home began "stirring the pot" as they say by suggesting that maybe she didn't need to be there and that there were family members who were trying to steal her money and possessions and that she knew of a place she could go and get proper treatment and be back on her own in no time. The constant badgering caused my mother to withdraw, to not communicate and to find fault, even to the point of lying to the other family members as well as to the staff of the nursing home.
After a phone call to her doctor with a lie that she was being removed to go to another family member's home, he released her to the custody of her youngest daughter. There was a 7 hour car ride from where she was to her final destination, without any breaks or rest periods, even eating fast food along the way.
Upon reaching her destination, she was immediately examined, tested and evaluated. It came as a complete shock when the word came that they had discovered lesions or bumps on the brain and that she had brain cancer and would start radiation therapy immediately. That there was no cure and no hope but that she would have the treatment anyway. No consultation, no information given, just the say so of the younger daughter who was taking over our mother's life completely.
The abuse extended from our mother to the rest of the family with accusations from the younger member without any validation or checking for facts. In her mind, she had already made herself Judge, Jury and as it turned out Executioner for our mother. Stating facts that she did not back up, led to what some of the family think might have been misdiagnosis but it is going to be hard to prove that now.
We have watched as a sharp elderly woman who could converse and enjoy life in a limited way went from being a laughing loving mother to one who does not recognize us most of the time when we call, will not converse intelligently with us and continues to criticize and condemn for things she has been told and has come to believe as the truth. She has been brain washed from the manipulator that she is often confused but continues to believe the manipulator because she had promised her a better life and continues to do so.
The sad part is that her life is not better, it is worse. Her mind has been destroyed by the radiation treatments and some of the family believe that the transporting may have caused strokes which were never mentioned because the "C" word was constantly being thrown into the mix.
Why would someone want to put a loved one through a torturous treatment when they knew there was no hope, no cure and that it would more than likely speed up the end of life and make it a time of suffering and pain? We have searched and can find no answers except that the member who has decided to be in control has some need of self gratification that she has done miraculous things for our mother and that it is her that has been instrumental in her condition now. Does she not see that this 91 year old woman had deteriorated within less than a month after she took over her care? Does she not see that a woman who could sit on her own and dress herself with some assistance but now is a vegetable unable to do anything for herself? What is her purpose? Why would she want to see someone suffering, someone she is supposed to love and care for? And why does she think that she is the only one and that the rest of the family has no compassion or feelings?
So the abuse has crossed the line. She not only has abused the elder person, she has taken it the next step and abusing the family members. She is trying to condone her own actions by blaming the rest of the family for things that never happened. As the family has watched, she went from what would be a normal person concerned about a parent to a rant raving, imaginative, lying individual who will not face the truth. Her whole aim seems to be how much pain she can inflict on the elderly person she has taken over the life of as well as other family members with cruel accusations, words and threats, while at the same time commending herself for the good she has done.
That is the picture of an abuser.
Some may ask why the rest of the family didn't stop this abuse. Good question but we didn't have the legal options. At the time our mother left the nursing home, she was still in charge of her faculties and advised the family this was what she wanted and there was nothing we could do to stop her. Our hands were tied and only after the treatments she received were we notified of what was going on. Being in another state made it even more difficult to find out any information. We had no physical proof, only what we were being told and if she needed it, then there wasn't anything we could do. At one time I did have Power of Attorney which was required for her admittance to the nursing home but it was revoked by her and nothing I could do to prevent it, even though I knew she had been coerced into revoking it. She insisted it was what she wanted so I had no legal recourse because at that time she was in full charge of her mental capacity. Her medical records reflect that, but one month later, she is unresponsive, uncommunicative, does not recognize family members, is confused on where she is and keeps repeating what she has been told over and over.
It is hard to watch a love one as they near the end of life but when it is because they were mistreated, it makes it even harder and much more painful. And the pain of feeling helpless and not being able to stop it or help adds to this pain.
I ask that anyone who reads this will stop and look around. There is abuse going on and sometimes it is so subtle that it isn't noticed until it is too late. And the abusers know how to manipulate and control the person they are abusing and can put on an act that they are the caring and feeling person. They can convince an outsider that they are doing what is right and that only they are righteous and that everyone else is wrong and and evil. There are two faces of an abuser and sometimes it is too late before anyone sees the evil side.
It seems society can fathom the abuse of children and women and condemn the abusers but when it comes to the elderly, they turn a blind eye. And it is more prevalent than what most people think. I doubt there are any real numbers or facts since so many abuse cases are never reported.
I recently read an article by Mary Sanchez of the Kansas City Star which pretty much describes the situation that many families face today. And it will get worse as the older generation increases.
Abuse comes in many forms. There is verbal abuse where the victim is verbally condemned, admonished and scolded. There is the physical abuse where they are physically assaulted and often injured. And then there is the mental abuse. This is probably one of the hardest to detect but is when the elder person has been mentally challenged by a spouse, child or caregiver into thinking they have done wrong and become confused, often withdrawing into their safe world of memories so they don't have to face the accusations. Of course, some do have health related issues with the mental development, but when a person who has been living a normal lifestyle, even if they are limited on movement but still active enough to converse or participate in activities suddenly change to be withdrawn and non communicative or feel they are useless and give up on all activity, then something has changed their life.
I've seen this abuse first hand and I can tell you that it is not only harmful to the elder person involved, but to all the family and friends of that individual. When the abuser has finally cajoled and manipulated the elder person into thinking that they are the only person who cares for them or will take care of them and begins to slowly dismantle the life the elder person has known, it is abusive.
The abuser is actually taking over that person's life, telling them what they want them to hear, convincing them that only they are the one who cares and wants what is best and that everyone else, including family members are out to get that elderly person and hurt them in some way.
Hard to believe, isn't it? But it is true. I've watched as a family member went from what we all thought was concern and in agreement with a treatment for our mother. She had agreed it was time to give up her living on her own lifestyle and go to a nursing home where she would have the supervision and care that was required. It was her decision and we made sure it was done. Being frail at the age of almost 91 didn't help at times as she was having to give up everything she had as well as her home but she still had the mental faculty to know it was what she needed to do. With the family scattered, many miles away, it wasn't always possible for someone to come to her aid immediately and our concern was her health and safety, not so much as the idea of sticking her in a nursing home and just forgetting about her.
She adjusted very quickly to the new lifestyle and was participating in the activities of the home, visiting with other residents and seemed to be as happy as she could be living in a cramped corner sharing a room but she said she knew it was for the best and that she felt safe there.
She had some health issues that were being examined by the doctors and therapists but then suddenly a family member who had not been present at the time of her admittance to the home began "stirring the pot" as they say by suggesting that maybe she didn't need to be there and that there were family members who were trying to steal her money and possessions and that she knew of a place she could go and get proper treatment and be back on her own in no time. The constant badgering caused my mother to withdraw, to not communicate and to find fault, even to the point of lying to the other family members as well as to the staff of the nursing home.
After a phone call to her doctor with a lie that she was being removed to go to another family member's home, he released her to the custody of her youngest daughter. There was a 7 hour car ride from where she was to her final destination, without any breaks or rest periods, even eating fast food along the way.
Upon reaching her destination, she was immediately examined, tested and evaluated. It came as a complete shock when the word came that they had discovered lesions or bumps on the brain and that she had brain cancer and would start radiation therapy immediately. That there was no cure and no hope but that she would have the treatment anyway. No consultation, no information given, just the say so of the younger daughter who was taking over our mother's life completely.
The abuse extended from our mother to the rest of the family with accusations from the younger member without any validation or checking for facts. In her mind, she had already made herself Judge, Jury and as it turned out Executioner for our mother. Stating facts that she did not back up, led to what some of the family think might have been misdiagnosis but it is going to be hard to prove that now.
We have watched as a sharp elderly woman who could converse and enjoy life in a limited way went from being a laughing loving mother to one who does not recognize us most of the time when we call, will not converse intelligently with us and continues to criticize and condemn for things she has been told and has come to believe as the truth. She has been brain washed from the manipulator that she is often confused but continues to believe the manipulator because she had promised her a better life and continues to do so.
The sad part is that her life is not better, it is worse. Her mind has been destroyed by the radiation treatments and some of the family believe that the transporting may have caused strokes which were never mentioned because the "C" word was constantly being thrown into the mix.
Why would someone want to put a loved one through a torturous treatment when they knew there was no hope, no cure and that it would more than likely speed up the end of life and make it a time of suffering and pain? We have searched and can find no answers except that the member who has decided to be in control has some need of self gratification that she has done miraculous things for our mother and that it is her that has been instrumental in her condition now. Does she not see that this 91 year old woman had deteriorated within less than a month after she took over her care? Does she not see that a woman who could sit on her own and dress herself with some assistance but now is a vegetable unable to do anything for herself? What is her purpose? Why would she want to see someone suffering, someone she is supposed to love and care for? And why does she think that she is the only one and that the rest of the family has no compassion or feelings?
So the abuse has crossed the line. She not only has abused the elder person, she has taken it the next step and abusing the family members. She is trying to condone her own actions by blaming the rest of the family for things that never happened. As the family has watched, she went from what would be a normal person concerned about a parent to a rant raving, imaginative, lying individual who will not face the truth. Her whole aim seems to be how much pain she can inflict on the elderly person she has taken over the life of as well as other family members with cruel accusations, words and threats, while at the same time commending herself for the good she has done.
That is the picture of an abuser.
Some may ask why the rest of the family didn't stop this abuse. Good question but we didn't have the legal options. At the time our mother left the nursing home, she was still in charge of her faculties and advised the family this was what she wanted and there was nothing we could do to stop her. Our hands were tied and only after the treatments she received were we notified of what was going on. Being in another state made it even more difficult to find out any information. We had no physical proof, only what we were being told and if she needed it, then there wasn't anything we could do. At one time I did have Power of Attorney which was required for her admittance to the nursing home but it was revoked by her and nothing I could do to prevent it, even though I knew she had been coerced into revoking it. She insisted it was what she wanted so I had no legal recourse because at that time she was in full charge of her mental capacity. Her medical records reflect that, but one month later, she is unresponsive, uncommunicative, does not recognize family members, is confused on where she is and keeps repeating what she has been told over and over.
It is hard to watch a love one as they near the end of life but when it is because they were mistreated, it makes it even harder and much more painful. And the pain of feeling helpless and not being able to stop it or help adds to this pain.
I ask that anyone who reads this will stop and look around. There is abuse going on and sometimes it is so subtle that it isn't noticed until it is too late. And the abusers know how to manipulate and control the person they are abusing and can put on an act that they are the caring and feeling person. They can convince an outsider that they are doing what is right and that only they are righteous and that everyone else is wrong and and evil. There are two faces of an abuser and sometimes it is too late before anyone sees the evil side.
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