I Did It

I've been talking for months about buying a new car but being on a fixed income, I was hesitate.  What if I couldn't make the payment?  What if my health got worse?  So many questions and yet I knew my old and trusty Taurus was getting to a point that it could just quit at any time or give me a huge repair bill.

I decided to really get serious and after going to the bank to see if I could qualify for a loan, I began to check prices and today I went in to our local Ford dealer and test drove a couple of cars.  I will have to say it is the first time that I have ever dealt with a salesman or a dealership that they actually treated me as a customer and listened to what I wanted and didn't try to sell me something I wasn't the remotely interested in.

I drove a couple of cars and I'll admit it was a tough decision as both were nice but I finally decided on one.  I wanted a red one and a sporty looking car and the Fiesta was red and sporty looking but it was also a little bit smaller than I felt comfortable in. 

But the Focus which is what I really wanted anyway was nice and I felt comfortable driving it and thought it would fit me better.  But it wasn't red.  But it is a pretty silvery gray and looks very rich but mainly it rides and drives great.

My old car had 189,769 miles and looked good but it had a few problems and I think it was fixing to give me some more problems so it was time to replace it but I have to admit I will miss it.  The 1998 Taurus was a great car and I really liked it but I think I'm going to like this new Focus just as much.

So now I won't feel so panicky or worried when I take off to go to town as I won't have the worry that it might break down on me.  And the nice thing is that everything works on it.  The windshield washers, the power windows and even the power door locks.  It will be fun just knowing I can roll a window up and down or lock my car and not worry that I can't get back in unless I crawl through the trunk.

It may sound silly but being alone, a woman and of a respectable older adult age (hate saying I'm getting old), I have a few more worries than a youngster so I'm very excited about having a new car now.  And it is kind of exciting to know that I was able to go by myself and deal and to get the deal I wanted.  In fact, I think that is the most exciting part.  I knew what I wanted and how much I wanted to pay and told them right up front and I got what I wanted.  Well, except for the color  but I'll get used to this one.

I guess my next adventure will be to plan a road trip.  I have to figure out who I can ask to take care of my menagerie outside and inside if I'm going to be gone longer than overnight but I'm sure I can get someone to take care of the kitties.

This ole granny isn't sitting in the rocking chair any more.  Now I got wheels and my new motto, "Have car, will travel."

In Remembrance

This blog is more for me to write down my thoughts but I welcome anyone who reads them.

Two years ago today, we woke up to a sunny but cool day just as today is.  My husband who was battling Melanoma woke up feeling better than he had for several days.  He had eaten a good meal the night before and had a good night's sleep.  He got up and wanted some toast which I made for him and then he went to lie down.  The chemo treatment was taking all his strength away and the morphine which was helping with the pain was also making him drowsy and listless at times.  He had cut back on a couple of the morphine pills as he said he didn't like feeling like a zombie.

Perhaps it was because he had cut back, that he seemed more awake and cognizant of what was going on that day.  

Melanie had moved her trailer in a few weeks before but due to the holidays and weather, they hadn't put in the water lines until then.  A friend of ours and Zach and Melanie were doing the work, digging a trench to lay the line from a spigot we had so a new spigot could be installed closer to the trailer.  

He wanted to go out there to see how things were going but was so weak that he couldn't but we were keeping him informed and as lunch time came around, he asked if we had any leftovers from the night before.  He had eaten a decent meal which was unusual as he said food didn't have much taste or it would upset his stomach but he ate a good helping of a pasta dish and green beans.  So I fixed him some leftovers and he came to the table to eat.  Still feeling weak but he said maybe if he got up and moved around, he might feel better.  He ate it without any problem and went back to lie down.

Within an hour, he was sick.  Everything he had eaten came up and he was exhausted from the heaving.  In his weakened condition, the slightest exertion wore him out.  He laid back on the bed and complained that his head hurt.  I got him a cold cloth and put a pan near the bed so he wouldn't have to get up again.  He had one more seizure of dry heaves and laid back down saying his head was hurting.  I knew it was from the exhaustion of vomiting but he was getting agitated.

Melanie had gone to Muskogee to get some needed parts they had to have for the new spigot and connection to the trailer.  Zach came in to say he was going home and would be back later.  He talked to his Pappa and left.

Harold continually felt worse but I was able to get him calmed down enough to try to rest.  I remember telling him, "Why don't you try to get some sleep?"  I got him another cold cloth and a glass of water of which he only took a sip.  He said he was cold so I pulled the covers up over him and he closed his eyes.

I went back to the room where we had my computer set up and I was close enough that I could hear him or just look around the corner to see him.  In fact, I did go over to him a couple of times to check on him and he was sleeping.

Melanie got back around 4 PM and came in as I had called her to let her know that he had been asking to go to the hospital.  Most of it was because he had been so ill and was afraid.  She came in to check on us and to see how he was doing.  We both stood at the door to the bedroom and could see him sleeping and heard him snoring quietly so we decided not to bother him as we knew it would be better for him to get some rest.

Around 5:30 I heard a noise and went to check on him, thinking he had woke up and needed something.  But he was still asleep so I thought he must have snored loudly or even maybe coughed a bit.  I remember the time as the local news was just going off and national news was coming on.  I knew I would have to wake him at 6 PM to give him his medicine.

At 6:00 I went in to wake him to give him his medicine and to see how he was feeling.  I couldn't get a response.  I called Melanie who came running in and then as I was on the phone calling for an ambulance, she was going next door to get a neighbor who knew CPR.

From then on, things were in a haze.  I remember people coming and going and the paramedics talking to me but it all seemed like a dream.  None of it seemed real and to this day when I remember that night, it is still hazy.  I remember Zach coming back and he couldn't believe that he was gone and to have Melanie and Zach here with me helped as the three of us clung to one another and shared our tears and our thoughts.  But it was a hard night and one in which my grandson had to grow up way to fast.

Calls had to be made to family and friends and our neighbors and friends were here sharing our grief as well.  Just two days before, Harold's friend and old Navy buddy, John, had come to see him and the two talked for several hours.  Harold was in bed and John sat by his bedside.  And later he told me that he was glad he had that chance to just sit and talk with him.

I think the suddenness of his passing so unexpected and so quickly was too much for any of us to comprehend and it was days later when I felt I was coming out of that nightmare of a dream.  And it was a nightmare.

We are never prepared to lose a loved one but when it is so sudden, the tragedy seems to cut deep and is hard to accept or even to let go.

It has been a hard two years for me and I will admit that maybe I should let go but I can't.  We had over 48 years together and had known each other for over 52 years so I lost my life partner, my lover and most of all my best friend.  They say time eases the pain and perhaps it does a little bit but at the same time, there are always little reminders that keep that loved one close to us and wishing he was here to share with us.

I look out over the yard towards the building that was his work shop and in my mind I can see him coming out the door and coming to the house or if I'm outside, I often look that way thinking I heard the sound of a saw or hammering.  There are times when I think he will walk through the door and this has all been one hell of a nightmare and not true.

But he is gone and I take each day as it comes.   He told me once that his only fear was leaving me as he knew I was fragile and he was afraid I couldn't make it by myself.  I teased him and told him, I was a tough old gal and would be fine.  I think that is what keeps me going.  I told him I would be fine and I have tried and I feel he would be proud of me.  And I'm very fortunate to have Melanie and Zach near by.  Melanie has been my rock and I hope I've been hers and Zach feels he has to take care of both of us and bless his heart, he does.

So I am remembering him today but I am remembering all the good times we shared.  The tears have been shed and will probably come again but I know that one day we will be together again.  I didn't tell him good bye, I told him until we meet again.

IT IS MY DECISION!!!!

I've tried not to interject my political views on this blog but for the past few weeks, I have almost thrown something at my TV when the news comes on.  So from now on, the TV goes off.  I can get my weather report from my computer and I will not have to listen to the constant barrage from the biased media that "I" along with all other Conservatives want one particular candidate.

Since when did the media decide that they know what the public wants or to be able to tell us how to vote?  I'm sick of it and I'm sick of their biased reporting and false polls and innuendos.  It is a known fact that when you consistently push an agenda such as a "favored" candidate, that eventually the people think, "well, maybe they are on to something I'm not seeing," and sadly to say, they go along.  Yes, the people are becoming sheeps and follow the leader, right or wrong.

WAKE UP PEOPLE!  This is still America and we do not have to listen to or be coerced by the media to choose the person they think is right for us.  Especially since they, the media, are on the liberal side of the coin and are going against everything a conservative thinks or feels.

We have had almost four years of tyranny because they pushed for the man who sits in the White House right now.  His phony promises were so vivid during the campaign and yet the media praised him and exalted him to a throne convincing several uninformed Americans to go along with him.  Yes, I said uninformed.  So many only listen to one or two of the news programs or channels and eventually they are literally brain washed to thinking that if the media says that is the right one, well, then maybe that is the way they should go.  I have some good friends who will only listen to what is referred to as "main stream media".  They believe everything they hear because it comes from the reporter and why would they lie.  They are uninformed as they will only listen to one side.

I was raised to believe that we are all equal and we all have the right to choose our elected officials based on how their values reflect what is best for me, for you and most of all for our country.  But now, everything is turned upside down and the values have flown out the window for so many.    Even our schools don't teach about the Constitution or how government works. 

So when our children are not being taught values, then what kind of future is ahead for us.  I worry about my grandchildren and the type of life they will be facing as they grown into adult hood.   Are they really going to be free to work and play or are they going to have to follow the leader and be led down the path to destruction.  The saddest thing is that when they don't know any different, they go willingly.  It is scary as well.

I'm not alone in this way of thinking.  I've talked with people all across this nation as well as my own friends and neighbors close by and it is amazing how different we think compared to what the media keeps saying how we are thinking.  Probably if anyone could do an honest poll, they would find out that a large percent of this country does not agree with what the media is saying or even who they are pushing at the "people's candidate".  Their pursuit is hogwash, pure and simple.

We have a process in this country where a candidate campaigns as to what his values are and it is up to us, The People, to make the decision if that is who we feel is capable of sitting in that chair and making the decisions for our country.  And during that campaign process, you have to listen closely as they often make promises they can't possibly keep and the ones who really make the strongest promises are the ones we need to run away as fast as we can from because they are only promises to get them elected and they could care less of what is good for the people.  We already have that now and have had it since 2008.

The President cannot do it alone.  He has to work with our Congress that is just about as tainted as the media is in their false reporting.  Our government is out of control and the only way to get it back on track is for the people to stand up and say, "Enough."  We elect those officials to work for us, to take care of the business of the country, not to enact laws that suit their needs or their interest or the interest of a few.  That old saying, "The wheel that squeaks loudest gets greased," comes to mind.  I guess the rest of us aren't squeaking loud enough and the few who are, are the ones who are getting the cream of the crop and getting what they want when they want it.

Well, I'm about to start squeaking loud enough to try to get some notice.  I'm tired of the way this country is being run.  I'm tired of the media telling me to turn the other cheek and to listen to them as they know best.  I'm tired of seeing my freedom slowly sliding away and being condemned for thinking any other way.

I haven't made up my mind who I think might be the best.  I am still listening and watching and when it comes to it, I'll make up my mind.  But I don't like someone telling me that I have to go with one particular one because that is who they think should win.  And the sorry thing is that should that individual be the candidate, I could not vote for him but I could not vote for the incumbent either so for the first time in many, many years I will give up that right.

I'll put it this way.  If you had to make a choice to go down a road that you knew would end suddenly and found out you were trapped and couldn't return or to go down a road that would lead you to a disaster, what would you do?  Would you want to be trapped for the rest of your life or face a disaster which could mean losing your freedoms or even death?  And with the current regime, yes it is a regime, if you are old, you are worthless and they would just as soon get rid of the older generation as to look at them.  HEY WAIT A MINUTE!  One day they are going to be old.  Have they thought of that?  No.  They are selfish and greedy and only want what they want right now.  Be damned with everyone else.

I'm mad.  I think I'm madder now than I was four years ago.  I also think I'm going to be mad for a very long time unless the people really wake up and see what is going on around them and to stand up and scream if you have to, but we need to start getting the rest of the wheels greased so that we can be the America that everyone knows.  I really don't want to live in the U.S.S.A.

But for now, I'll change the channel and not listen to the biased media trying to tell me how to make my decision.  I hope and I pray that however this primary selection turns out, that we will end up with a candidate that is capable and will help turn this country around.  But if it is a contest between Romney and Obama, I don't see a real choice and will let fate take its course as I couldn't vote for either one of them.

Happy 2012

Here we are ending the first week of the new year and already I can see that it is going to be a fast flying year.  It just seems like yesterday we were waiting for it to arrive and now it's a week old.

And I will say that with it has come some extraordinary weather for us.  We should be having cold weather and freezes but it has been warm.  It started out in the mid 40's and has slowly climbed so that yesterday we saw 67 for a high and today it got to 70.  But of course, that old proverbial other shoe is going to drop as tomorrow we start on a downhill slide and will see temps back to the 40's which is pretty normal for this time of year.  So far, we haven't had any precipitation and it is awfully dry but they are saying we could see a few showers after the first of next week.

What I'm waiting for is the precip that will come with the cold weather.  Not that I'm really wanting it to come but I know it will sooner or later.  And the worst of it is that I noticed my rose bushes are leafing out and the mums have new leaves and even some small flowers.  Just hope I don't lose them.

The Christmas decorations are all down and packed away and everything looks so blah.  It is a lot of work but I really do enjoy it all.  And I'm missing all the bright lights and pretty baubles and greenery.  So I'll put out some candles and floral arrangements to help overcome the vacant spots where the decorations were.

I'm a holiday nut and have something for just about every holiday.  Now, I'll have my red roses and carnations all out for Valentines.  They might be artificial but what the heck, they last forever.    Then I'll get the daffodils  and the spring knick knacks out for St. Patrick's day and of course, I'll have the Easter Eggs out for Easter and then it will be general spring time until the 4th of July when it all goes Red, White & Blue.  That will take me through Labor day and then it is fall, Thanksgiving and then back to Christmas.  Oh, what a variety and it makes it just a little special to have something to look at for all those special days.

So as we end the first week of January of the new year, I'm looking forward to what the year will have in store for me.  There are some things I want to do and places I want to go but time will tell if they will happen or not.   I just have one wish and that it won't go too fast.  I just want it to slow down so I can enjoy each and every day.

I hope you all have a great year.